March Madness

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." ~Annie Dillard


In that case, if I were to be given a choice, I would choose to spend my days dreaming.

Dream big; Dream loud; Dream of the uncharted and the unimaginable. To let my thoughts wander over to the unthinkable. Explore the horizons and delve into the darkness.

Fantasize and Romanticize. Dream hard and Dream with all my heart. Run to my safe place - my mind - and within it's confines I can slow down and let the whispers grow their voices; just take a pause on a whim and let things seep and condense. Nurture baby hopes with the power of imagination. A place where creativity can thwart logic and reality.

Dream the impossible into something possible. 


Oh to be a dreamer.


Yet at the end of the day, dreamers never accomplish anything at all, do they? Because Do-ers are the ones who take dreams and make them a reality. They're the ones who accomplish tasks. Because they take actions. Their name says it all. They Do.

But is it really so bad to not have accomplished something "tangible"? What if what you're trying to accomplish isn't something that you have to see come to fruition in reality? What if the joy of dreaming, the joy from dreaming, is the achievement?

What then?

Bananas.

So, a dear friend of mine needed my help with some translation. To be honest, when I found out it would involve translating Chinese to English, I wasn't that keen. However, I'm glad that I did it because it turned out to be quite possibly the most fun I've had in a while. 

Thankfully, she didn't want me to translate some article for her. Instead, they were lyrics to a song. She would give me a line, and I'd translate it for her. Baby steps :) Here's the thing with Chinese characters. They. Are. Tiny! So even if you give me just a small paragraph, I immediately balk because it would easily contain more than 100 characters. (140characters limit on twitter? If I tweeted in Chinese I could easily tell a simple story!) So we compromised, and she gave me the first line.

After a few (hilarious) exchanges, we decided to tackle the chorus. I had already translated most of the lines, but I needed the complete chorus in order to see the big picture. See, the problem with the Chinese language is that it is so flowery and beautiful (when used correctly) and ladled with metaphors and imagery. You need everything to be able to put it into context and get the main idea.

Alright, enough talking, let's get down to business. 

 So I freaked out and got overwhelmed by the whole chunk of it. I asked for some time to form an opinion, and when I read through the lines, I couldn't help but see the opportunity to troll my friend. (A perverse form of revenge for making me read those Chinese lines, even though we made it fun from the get go.)

The next picture contains both versions of my translation/opinion. Please bear in mind that I was going all out and completely out-of-character. (My version of satire of the Malaysian English.) It was the epitome of how Rojak and Cina I could be.

Okay, so I know my opinion (even the not-troll one) probably didn't fully grasp what the guy was trying to express through his lyrics, but I wasn't taking it too seriously and out of all the languages I know, Chinese has been and still is a language that I rather dislike. (I kid you not, I once thanked my parents for "forcing" me to go to a Chinese school as a kid because I couldn't even imagine learning Chinese as a teenager, and my dad literally thanked god and told my mom he could finally die in peace. Apparently I was so anti-Chinese my parents were worried.)

I probably had too much fun trolling and butchering the lyrics, and I admit it might even be borderline disrespectful/rude, but I was just in it to have some harmless fun. So I apologize in advance if I've offended anyone. My friend and I had such a good laugh over this that we both agreed it was too good to not share with others (and hopefully make you laugh as well).

Anyway, my friend actually had a translation of the lyrics and it was provided by a lady who was going to teach English to Primary One students next year. 

 DID YOU READ THAT?! This woman is going to teach English to other children. I worry for our future generation. I really do.

So we had a few more laughs over the lyrics before my friend paid me this compliment:

Made me super happy to receive that compliment :) (but then again, she probably isn't the best person to judge the quality of my translation, since she wouldn't know if it was actually on point or not. BUT I LOVE YOU FOR IT ANYWAY.) 

This little exercise actually reminded me of my high school days, and I actually feel sad at the decline of my proficiency in Malay and Chinese (my written vocabulary has shrunk to embarrassingly astonishing levels). 

There's just something beautiful about being fluent in multiple languages to the point that you're able to carry forward an abstract idea (even across cultures) when you translate something. Reading quality translated works give me a child-like glee.

So there you go. Hope you guys had a good laugh over this. I know I did!  

Coping mechanisms. and an apology.

Been in a funk recently, and no, I don't know why - if I did, I'd probably try to deal with it already, okay fine, maybe I do have some clues as to why i'm in this funk but hush. Just let me wallow in my misery. For a while more at least. And by a while, I might mean a few days.

Anyhoo.

One of my friends (who had the best intentions) told me to go listen to some music or write something. Yes, normally that would work, but this is one of those stupid funks that make me not want to write at all. or listen to music. *cue amanda reacting like a douche*

Eventually I stumbled onto figure skating videos on YouTube. Yay me.

I've decided that figure skating videos are my go-to balms now. It's a phase. Whatever.

I refuse to watch ballet or modern dance videos because those just make me more depressed. It makes me think of all the cool things I used to be able to do, and basically make me yearn for dance classes which I'm unable to attend thanks to my own stupidity. But that's another story.

Anyway, figure skating.

It was a pretty obvious choice, what with the Sochi olympics coming up and all that. Besides, it's a combination of a lot of things that I love (dance, music, artistry, costumes - I could go on forever) but the big plus side is I don't know anything about ice skating techniques (the most that I can do is skate forwards and backwards, but that's it) so my brain won't can't analyze the performance. I can basically just enjoy it.

When someone pulls off a Triple-triple combination, I just go "Whoa, cool!" I don't know what's a clean landing, or the difference between a triple lutz(is that how you spell it?) or a double axle, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

During the (normal?) Olympics I went through a gymnastics phase, but I'm only really interested in the ones where they perform with props. Gymnastics is rather trick after trick after trick and lots of scary flexibility and over arching backs. Or just the weird stance. I don't know - sorry, must be my ballet-oriented brain tuning in.

It comes in with figure skating as well though. The one thing that I don't like about figure skating is their lines. Sorry. It's just too kang-kang or not-straight-enough-knees or not-squared-hips for me. Blame it on ballet. I like clean ballet lines with ballet orientation. So no, I do not like your lines, or attitudes, or arabesques. They're off by ballet standards.

But one thing about figure skating that manages to steal my breath time and time again are their leaps. How do they do that?! The sheer amount of power and control that goes into the jumps, spinning effortlessly in the air (seriously, 15 y.o. lipnitskaia pulls off triple-triple combos like they're nothing!) and then you have to land on one of three surfaces of the blade, AND continue gliding on the ice. How do you *insert blubbering noises*.

I absolutely love that they continue gliding on the ice after leaps/spins/jumps. Like the energy just molds into the next step. With ballet when you end your pirouettes it just... ends. Sure, if you finish in 4th you could probably extend the moment slightly longer than your plie in 5th,  but you're just there on the same spot (which is kind of the point) before going into the next step. On ice, you make a gazillion spins/rotations and just continue moving/gliding into the next step. A lot of this has to do with the decreased friction on ice, so it's unfair to compare ballet and figure skating, but I can't help it because they're so similar and yet so different at the same time.

*more blubbering noises as i struggle to cope with my FEELS* Yes, performances give me more feels than movies. I'm sorry, I just never cry at movies. Okay, there was once when I was 8 and teared a little at one scene in a movie. But movies just don't get to me, man. I get feels over people and performances. I do tear up at really good performances. They speak my lingo. I relate to the thrill and passion and connection.

So, in a roundabout sort of way, my friend's suggestion did help.
Since I didn't know the big-shots in figure skating, I mainly chose videos based on views and song. And all those videos helped put me in a much better place emotionally and mentally. (The turning point was Johnny Weir's Bad Romance for Fashion On Ice 2011. GO WATCH IT.) And after a few  many, many YouTube videos, I'm at a place where I can blog and sort of declutter my brain.

Basically, I'm an idiot, and my friends do know me better than myself at times. Sorry for being an ass. 

disappointment

We all feel it sometimes. Most of the time? I don't know. Some more often than others, I'd venture to say.

I'm disappointed in you. The plural you.
I expected more. How could I not? After four years worth of heartaches and pain and hardship, you finally get the girl. And then what?

How can you not appreciate something so magically extraordinary? Do you really only want what you can't have? So once you get the girl you lose interest?

The best outcome from this scenario would be that the Powers That Be have a longer trajectory in mind to peel off one of your onion layers. But where is this coming from?
How can we see such rapid and dramatic and downright delightful character growth from her but settle with you being stagnant, or even worse, regressing?

You're my OTP and of course i invest in you, so as much as i would like to trust in TPTB, it's hard to do so.

It pained S to write her review. It pains me to agree with her too.

Looking Through the Window

As 2013 comes to a close, here's my obligatory  predictably "obligatory" post to wrap up the past year and look into 2014.

If I were to describe 2013 in a word i'd go with... long. It's been long and exhausting. But then again, it's already coming to a close in the blink of an eye. So time really is relative, isn't it?


Screw this nonsense. My emotions screw with my writing more than I'd like sometimes, so I'm just going to post the draft I wrote a few days ago, because going on a tirade really isn't how I would prefer to end this year.


Things i've learnt in 2013 general:

-Adapt. take what you're given and deal with it. quit your whining. it doesn't help the situation and more often than not, you're getting on someone else's nerves (most of the time, it's mine.) make the best out of a situation and just deal with it.

-there's always room for growth and learning. no matter how good you are, there's always someone better out there that you can learn from.

-there's always the calm before the storm. things are looking good for you, right? well, shit's about to happen so enjoy it while it lasts. but live in the moment. cherish the metaphorical calm seas - don't waste your energy worrying about the bad things. they'll come knocking on your doors soon enough.

-but sometimes you get a double rainbow after the storm. your life sucks. everything is going wrong and you ask yourself "why bother?" why should you bother with life when it's adamant at screwing you over? here's why. as hard as it is to hold out, the bad does eventually end. or at least, it'll give you a temporary reprieve. and when you're over that hurdle, you know that you're a better or stronger person because of it. and if you're extremely blessed, you might even get double rainbows. and unicorns. and all that jazz.

-it's okay to need down time. sometimes we have so many connections with the rest of the world that we feel disconnected with ourselves. it's okay to want to stay in and just spend some quiet time by yourself. turn off all your devices and see what you can do. you'll surprise yourself sometimes. i know i have.

-sometimes you gotta know when to push yourself. it's okay to step out of your comfort zone. it's perfectly fine to force yourself to try new things. we shouldn't ever be too comfortable in our own skin. it makes us complacent and we no longer push to better ourselves.


So there you go. I'll see y'all on the other side!

Strategy.

Currently having my Obstetrics and Surgery cycle, and believe it or not I actually feel more tired than when I had Topan cycle. With Niko-friggin-laev. 

Throughout October, it was study topan, go for class in the morning, study for topan, get through topan class in the afternoon, don't even think of celebrating the fact that you've passed the daily mini tests because you have prepare for tomorrow's class, study topan, eat, study topan, sleep. And repeat.

While the preparation for Obs and surgery class should technically not be as hard core as topan, I'm exhausted out of my mind by the time i get home, even though class begins at 9 and ends by lunch time (as opposed to full-days during topan cycle). 

I get home, do some things to wind down - surf the internet etc for a bit, and more often than not i end up taking a nap. 

I used to be able to count the number of times i took an afternoon nap on one hand (this spanned throughout primary school until my early years in moscow). 

Even when i was studying topan 24/7 i didn't feel exhausted enough to warrant an afternoon/evening nap. (But that may be because i couldn't even afford to spare the time to nap.)

I think it probably has a lot to do with all the travelling. Obs is in Kashirskaya, and the journey takes at least 75minutes even when i'm rushing over. 

I've sort of gone off tangent with the purpose of this blogpost but we've made the big detour and come to today's topic. 

Normally I don't mind standing when i'm using the metro, but I'm just so tired (both mentally and physically) after Obs class that I take strategising to a whole new level when i travel. 

While there are only five stops on the green line before i get off, the stations are very far apart (compared to the red line which i normally frequent anyway) so any opportunity to sit is an opportunity that i'm not going to waste. But it's not too bad because the trains are never as packed as the ones on the red line anyway. I don't have to feel bad for sitting down. 

When I get to Ohodny Ryad, that's when the real strategising comes to play. It's 10 stops between Ohod and Yugo, so I definitely want to be able to sit from the get go if possible. Game on. 

First off, walk towards the head of the train because that's the exit I'll be taking at yugo. Don't go all the way to the end - all those people are most likely travelling to Yugo or Prospekt, so they'd be aiming for any vacant seats as well. Don't wait near babushkas or old people in general - no one wants to "steal" seats from 'em. Somewhere near the end of second carriage is an escalator in the middle of the platform for people who want to change metro lines. Stand somewhere there. If the passengers travel often enough, they'd know which carriage of the train has the shortest distance to those escalators. Lots of people will get off and BAM. Empty seats. Now, if you don't get a seat at Ohod, don't worry. Tons of people get off at Biblio, so your chances of getting a seat is pretty high so long as you're not travelling during peak hours. 

For some reason my tired brain decided to ramble out loud and point out my decision-making process to my companion at the time, yuenxing. She had a nice laugh over it. 

Well, when the train pulled up, sure enough, a lot of people exited from the door i decided to wait by and headed for the pirihod (underpass that connects the different metro lines). The both of us got seats. So much win. 

and then an announcement came on. 

All passengers had to disembark at Park Kultury. 

Damnit. WHYYYYYYY. 

We should have gotten off at Biblio and try taking the next train - we would have had a higher chance of getting seats, but the both of us were too lazy to get off when we had just gotten seats. Nevermind, we'd just try our luck at Park Kultury. 

A number of passengers got off at Biblio, and we deliberated if we should catch the next train at Kropotkinskaya instead, but ultimately decided not to because not many people get off at Kropot anyway - might as well just sit a little longer. 

When we got to Park Kultury, we headed towards the centre instead. Here i explained my strategy to yuenxing once more. 

We're "fighting" for seats with people heading to the terminal stations (I won't bother getting the seat off of someone who gets off somewhere in between. If i'm already standing, might as well stand all the way). Yugo, prospekt, universitet and vorob evy gory have their exits located at the terminal ends of the platform, so we moved a little toward the centre. The first carriage is always full, the second one less so, but the third one had the highest probability for us to get seats. The fourth and fifth carriages weren't any good because 1. there's an exit in the centre of the universitet hall, so there would be more people aiming for those carriages, and 2. it's a little too far from my exit for my liking. 

It was the perfect strategy. Come on, man. Admit it. It was damn good strategy. 

Unfortunately, luck wasn't on our side today. By the time the train pulled up it was already pretty full, and there were twice the amount of passengers waiting on park kultury anyway. It had been a long shot, but my reasoning and planning gave yuenxing a good laugh so i decided to share it here in case it could bring laughter to other people as well. 

Yes, my brain is weird and think about the most bizarre issues. I take way too many factors into account and plan too far ahead for something as menial and trivial as riding the metro. 

on the other side of the door

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"Behind every great woman is a substantial amount of coffee."

Okay, the real quote doesn't really go that way, but I saw this on twitter a while back and like it so much better.

I recently had the opportunity to help out a friend for a short video - still have lots of shooting to do - but anyway, I was supposed to play a mom. A good mom. The doting, loving, patient, Mrs. Weasley-motherly kind of mom.

To those of you who know me well enough: please stop laughing.

Thinking of even portraying this character was a challenge. It was just so OOC for me! But I love challenges, and it was time to put all my theoretical tools(I read/watch way too many interviews and behind the scenes kind of thing. But my absolute favourites are when the actors talk about their character and how they become the character. Wardrobe is majorly important!!!) to practical usage.

I'd like to clarify right up that my character is just a secondary/supporting cast for this video, but still, I love immersing myself and giving it my best shot, no matter how small or large the role was.

As a writer, details and character development came easily enough to me. In fact, I think trying to wrap my head around this character really honed my brain to grasp on to the "show, don't tell" aspect of it all.

I didn't have a lot of lines for yesterday's scene(thank goodness for that, actually. I had to ad lib at one point and i basically told my "son" to "go make nice friends.... and... stuff." Motherly i am not.), so it all came down to the minute actions and details.

Smoothing his shirt, fixing his hair, lingering touches, and basically a lot of "wistful looking" at my son and/or husband.


Which brings me to today's blog post.

What's with all the wistfully looking about?

I'd like to think that I'm a modern, liberal, independent young woman. I don't take crap from most people, and when I'm forced to take said crap, it's normally tied to reasons relating to tradition, or the chinese culture, or respect.

But then why did I automatically become this supporting-in-a-submissive-way character the moment I tried to play this "motherly mom" character?

Why must our society mould us all into thinking that good mothers are the quiet, in-the-backgroud wistfully looking about type of mothers? No one forced me to do it, but that was just the way all our minds thought. It was subtle, but we all still have this typical-family concept in our head that makes my inner feminist jump up and down in rage frustration.

Why are men allowed to pursue careers and other opportunities, earn the title of being "successful", and then start a family if they want to. Sure, there are a number of men who start their family and then pursue further advancements, bearing the responsibility of being the breadwinner and ensuring no one went hungry under their roof. Yadda yadda yadda.

Try reversing the gender in that situation.

No matter how high a woman has climbed in the career/social ladder, in the back of everyone's mind, she's not really successful, because she doesn't have a family. Sure, she's had amazing achievements under her belt, but she can't really be happy, or she can't really be considered spectacular because she doesn't have a husband and/or children.

Women are "obligated" to put family before career. Yes, we have a biological body clock that no one is to be blamed for, and that doesn't really help our situation.

When women graduate, sure, we're expected to go get a job, and pursue our careers, but then you hit a certain age where everyone expects you to begin settling down, get married, or start having children. Stay home, put your career on pause, or just be happy with where you are in your job - let your husband focus on pursuing his career - you should be the good little wife and take care of the family, just do your basic 9-5 job.

What more could you want out of life? You have a beautiful little family with your white picket fence and the 2.5children - you should be satisfied with life. Be happy. Take care of your family, work a little, and go fix your husband a sandwich.


Going back to the quotes (and here's the barb you feminists are waiting for), a great man needs/can have a woman by his side/behind him/waiting on the other side of the doors. But a great woman needs no one else. Only coffee. ;p But it's also because if said woman actually had a man by her side, she wouldn't be great. People would just automatically assume that she's just riding on his tailcoats. Women have to do it all by themselves or else the credits go to their not-so-fair counterparts.


Now, I know some people aren't bound by the "norms" I have stated above, but from what I can see, this picture is the one most of us are looking at. I'm not trying to convince everyone that this is what it's like in the real world, but it is my personal opinion. Please keep in mind that I'm not trying to force this opinion upon anyone.