failure.

So. i received a rather lengthy fb message(i love those. lengthy messages, that is. back to my point) from someone who shall remain anonymous. my friend shared to me JK Rowling's Harvard Speech and if you haven't read it, do click on the link up there, it's a really good read.

i think i've probably read it once before, but it never really stuck to me. reading it this time around, i guess my circumstances and thinking have changed, so her speech really resonated when i read it just now. i really loved bits and pieces from here and there. 

"...You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown."

i wish someone had sat me down and talked to me about failure back when i was in high school. i tried to do the same to my younger sister when she got her SPM results. i dont think i did a very good job though. i lay part of the blame on the not-so-stellar skype connection. ;p

the thing is, we were taught to excel mostly because we were so afraid of failure. i remember for my very first spelling test (听写) back in primary one, my teacher at that time threatened us with something if we didnt get 100%. it was our very first test so we didnt know if the teacher would really have carried out her threats, but my fear was so great that i made myself sick. i got stomachaches for days before my test and even vomited; my mom got a little concerned. looking back, it's really not all right to let a 7 year old scare herself sick for something so stupid even though she's totally more than prepared for the test. but at the end of that day, i got 100% for my test, and i dont think i vomited for the subsequent tests. but that was it. my constant fear of punishments and failures was what drove me to excel.

i had a minor meltdown at 17 when i got my SPM results when i met my first real brush at failure. Getting an A2 was inconceivable. getting two A2s was the end of my world back then. 

the major meltdown came when i was 19 and finally got my Cambridge A-Levels results. that was my biggest failure at the time. thankfully my parents have always been there for me, and talked me out of repeating A-levels (thank god!)

but i needed that failure. it was time for me to fail in my own eyes. it was time for me to fail in my parents and siblings' eyes.

and i've become a better person after that meltdown. 

i'd never be able to survive in moscow if it werent for that meltdown that changed my priorities and perception of the world. in a country where your test grades depended on the mood of your teacher for that particular day, you have to learn to roll with the punches. unfortunately i think i've learnt to roll with the punches a bit too well. 

my perception of the world is different from the norm, and although i seem quite vocal at times, a majority of my thoughts have been private and would remain so. 

you see someone who's money-minded and "evil"; i see someone who's fighting to leave his past behind.

you see someone funny and is great at speaking; i see him for the douchebag he is.

you see someone cold and ruthless; i see someone who knows what they want and are willing to fight for it. 

i see the bad boy just looking to have fun. i see the girls who just wont admit that they're sluts. i see the mature and realistic people who knows what the real world is like. 

but i also see my flaws and faults. some of them anyway. and i try to be more forgiving, i try to understand that my perception of the world is not within the confines of "safe malaysian society".