right side coming back up

hello beautiful world :) so sometimes things just creep up onto you and gives you a nice, pleasant, genuine, surprise. 

so i've been depressed the past few days, maybe longer, but anyway i was stuck in a pretty dark place. and being depressed is depressing, and that just makes me even more depressed. its a brutal cycle. 

to make things worse, i was perfectly fine with being depressed. i didnt want to snap out of it, i didnt want to get over my depression. 

i went for a much needed break to starbucks with a friend of mine yesterday, and we talked for ages. i was still depressed and was still fine with being depressed, but i think it made me feel slightly better nonetheless. 

after that i got home, sat my ass down and studied for my test. i went for the test just now, feeling really prepared. for the very first time something felt good. 

now i realize what i was missing. i miss the thrill of knowing all the answers to my teachers' questions. i miss studying and being prepared for class beforehand. i miss formulating my own theories and making the link between theory and practical. i miss being a nerd. 

anyway, i could answer the questions for my test, and everything went smoothly. as i was gathering my things, my teacher gave me this really bright smile. i think i've probably been harbouring a minor crush on my teacher ;p how could i not? she's pretty, young and gorgeous, wears knee length boots, has big hair(in a good way), dresses impeccably stylo('natch for a russian), and her grasp of the english language i dare say is pretty decent if not exemplary plus she's got that cute accent thing going on. 

i walked home alone, strolling along at my own leisurely pace. with the sun in my face and a slight spring in my step, who cares if the melting snow are making rivulets of streams at places? i had fun jumping about :) ain't no puddles gonna spoil my mood!

sometimes we really do need to just slow down to smell the flowers.

solitude isn't such a bad thing sometimes. you can let your thoughts roam free and bound from place to place. 

but when i need company, i know i've got the best friends i could ever ask for. they're wonderful human beings that make me want to put in more effort and better myself for them. so that i can be as good a friend to them as they have been to me. i really love you guys to bits and pieces <3

somewhere in my mind's eye i can imagine my dance teacher saying "prepare". you suck in your tummy; tuck down your butt; pull your body up; rib cage in; shoulders down; long neck; head poised to one side; arms nice and long with rounded elbows in bras bas; relax those fingertips; tighten you leg muscles; and turn out your feet. 

you take a breath in preparation. 

the pianist's fingers poise over the keys or your teacher holds a finger above the 'play' button. 

the command is given as a clear "and" resounds throughout the studio.

the music begins.

I take the plunge forward.

Perspective

how do you find something lost that was never really found in the first place?

what do you do to cope when the only solution you can think of is to pay for something that shouldn't be bought?

who do you turn to when you know you're the only one that's able to help yourself but you don't think that you're strong enough?

where do you go for solitude if it's not to be found for miles and miles away?

when is the right time to take a pause and step back, really figure out what you're doing with your life?

why do these thoughts always come at inopportune moments?



and on that note, nananananananana batman! i just wanna go hole up in a cave. 

S.

smothering. its just an additional alphabet from mothering. but when does mothering become smothering?

i know it can't be easy to be my mother. i'm too temperamental and question too many things. my thoughts jump around too quickly, flitting from one topic to another within seconds. i have mood swings out of the blue, feeling disgruntled one moment and happy as a lark the next.

i can only pray that any future children of mine won't be as bad as i am now. but then again, what goes around comes back around.

blurb.

Sarcasm. 

The slightly finer art of subtly insulting a person to his face. The tragedy of the situation manifests itself in the form of insipid individuals who fail to grasp the concept. It is an art form, honed over years with quick reflexes and rapier wit. Verbally disarming an opponent without the necessity of resorting to blows, stooping to the level of street ragamuffins.

- written in class on a prompt while waiting for pat. anat. to begin.

Back to November..?

 So i really appreciated all the support i got in november, and i (probably) wouldn't have been able to finish NaNoWriMo without all the support hence here is my thank you. 

Much as i hate people reading what i wrote (blogging aside), i know many people have asked me over and over again if they could read my novel. thank you for your patience in waiting all these months. i am sorta kinda cringing as i present it to you guys. 

Few things about my novel you should know. 

1. It's a fanfiction. if you don't know what that is, bless you, poor soul, go google it. 

2. It's a Castle fanfiction. So i know many people probably don't follow Castle, but i love it to bits and pieces. it's probably the one show i really fangirl over. Go watch it if you haven't. Go! but for those of you who won't watch it because you don't have the time or whatever, it's basically this best selling author (Rick Castle) who shadows a detective (Kate Beckett) and her team.

3. I completed it months ago, but i'm only editing it now, so i'll probably post chapters weekly as i go.

4. Review! If you liked it, a little encouragement goes a long way :) if you don't, i can take con-crit. that's how we improve. If you have an ff account, you could log in to review, otherwise you could just review anonymously or review under a fake name -- whatever strikes your fancy, really, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would review :) 

 So here's the summary on ff.net :- 

AU. Seems our detective has been keeping a secret all these years. Watch what happens when Castle finds out Beckett has a daughter and how they move on from there. Caskett.

Without further ado, i present to you Second Chance.

*scurries and hides somewhere

Some Nights

boo. i'm back :)

since i have a date with masha tmr and i'm probably gonna come home really emo and depressed, i'm gonna take this chance to let out whatever positive energy i have left in me. 

my winterbreak / euro-trip was f*cktastically awesome. will blog about that in detail in a few posts to come. i loveeeee europe. pretty people to see; prettier places to go <3 

thanks to moscow, i have no problem walking around and that's great, because in my opinion, that's the best way to discover a city :)

as a malaysian, it goes without saying that we love food. 

i'm so grateful that my mom parents sent me for dance and piano lessons since i was a kid, so i could really appreciate that as well. one memory that stands out was during a pipe organ concert at the St. Stephan's Basilica. they were performing a piece that i wasn't familiar with. however, i could try to guess which era it was from by its style and dynamics etc. going so far as to venture a guess as to who the composer might be, i checked the program listings, and Boo-YAH! i was right! wham bam double slam baby! Okay fine, so Bach is probably the first (and maybe only?) prominent composer that comes to mind when you think of baroque music, but i havent touched anything piano related in years, so i count it as an achievement that i still remembered some things ;)

three things that i really need to brush up on though. 

1. world history and geography. seriously, it's not funny how little we learn about the rest of the world. we spend so many years learning over and over and over again about malaysia and yes, i do agree it is borderlinely important-ish and it instills patriotism and all that nonsense but at the end of the day, i'm embarrassed by how little i know of the rest of the world.

2. architecture. SO many pretty buildings and sculptures. all i can do, is go "ooooooooo. prettyyyyyyyy." i know realistically i wont be able to learn about architecture as much as i would like, but i'd like to at least be able to know some distinguishing features from different eras etc. like how i recognized my music ;p

3. art. there are tons of museums Everywhere! alas, art museums aren't really malaysians' cup of tea, so i dont think i entered any. just saw a few exhibitions here and there i guess. i dont wanna turn into a pretentious hoity-toity snoot, but what's the harm in visiting a few galleries and looking at a few art works? even though as of now i know zilch about art. i know we learnt about art styles and stuff back in form 3, but who remembers that anyway? after this trip though, i do know that a fresco is painted on a wet surface, whereas a secco is done on a dry wall. 

oh and glass stained windows? they blow my mind away every. single. time. one good thing about being ignorant is that each time i enter a church or building or whatever, i get blown away easily. like some of my friends that have been to the vatican city says that everthing else pales in comparison. but i'm glad that in my naivete, i get to have my breath stolen over and over again ;)

wow. that was long. and here i was, hoping to just write a short blurp about my euro trip. moving on. happy chinese new year everyone :) yes, i do realize that it's already the second day of CNY, but please excuse my blur-ness. my whole family is off for a vacation somewhere in thailand, so my connection to CNY is pretty much gone. dont know when i'll be able to start celebrating again though. when my paternal grandma passed away, we were told that we couldnt celebrate CNY for three years. no word on my mom's side though... if they're not pantang, then i guess we can start celebrating the following year.. 

i am loathe to put away my laptop and go to bed because 1. i cough like a decrepit old woman whenever i lie down and 2. that means i have to prepare for tomorrow :(

ice skating and the cirque

so today was in a word, exhaustingggg. but so worth it haha... here's my outfit of the day, including a matching hat :)

 since we were going ice skating, i brought my skates along... they just happen to match my charm bracelet :)

see the similarities? ;p

and i'm off!

it was such a lovely sunny day! i couldn't resist snapping a pic with Zi as we headed out. 

the sun was so glaringly bright!

here's a better pic with us in the shade...

sparkly snow! the ground sparkles nicer than edward cullen. haha

we eventually got to our destination. skates on!

wheeee my skates are prettier ;p

Sabrina, Zi Ying, Yuen Xing and myself. Elise was being a dummy and didnt skate

love love loved the sun

So after skating, we lepak-ed a little (as malaysians are apt to do) before rushing back to yugo. Sabrina and i had a date with Cirque Du Soleil!

Michael Jackson baby! wootwoots. Opening night! double wootwoots. there were sooooooo many people... the place was hugeeeeee. the pic on the bottom left was taken from the stairs of the second balcony O.o

Anyway, it was worth every ruble i paid. in my opinion the first half moved a little slowly, but there were a few favorites. the second half was just mind blowing. i have no words. it was just so amazingggg. 

So after the show ended we trudged back to the metro and returned to yugo. while we were taking the short cut back, i noticed that there was no one else around. the dungu that i was am decided it would be awesome to jump into the fluffy, shiny blanket of smooth snow. 

notice how i'm not wearing any gloves. and the real feel for the temperature was -19celcius. the moment i got out of the snow, my fingertips literally turned white and began hurting. and me being the dungu that i am decided to jump into the snow a rather long distance away from the hostel. i could barely bend my fingers to get the blood circulation starting. it was so bloody painfullllll. by the time i reached the fourth floor i could kind of bend my fingers a little, but they still hurt like a bitch. they continued hurting for a very long while. 

my fingers didnt fall off; neither did any fingernails. would i do this again? knowing me, probably yes. but i'll have more common sense to repeat my mistakes closer to the hostel and warmth. haha.