integrity.

So recently I was stuck in a pretty bad head space, and everything came to a head today. I felt like crap, I had terrible thoughts and nearing the end of the day, I was given an option.

I could take the easy way out and run from my problems by getting a third party to solve them for me, or I could buck up and get my shit together.

I know I've been disappointing my parents a lot lately. And my situation/living condition had gotten to a point where I didn't care about anything anymore. My younger self would be so disappointed in current me. Heck, current me is disgusted by current me.

But my mom had a very good and proper upbringing. She does the right thing not because she's afraid of getting caught, but because it's the right thing to do. No one else might ever find out what you did but you will know what you did. And can you live with that? When you die, do you have a clear conscience?

Everyone has flaws, but she is such a good person. A decent human being, if you will. Unlike me. I am a shit human being. The shittiest of shits. But I digress.

My mom is the kind of person who will help guide you, over and over again, so you won't make mistakes you'd regret for the rest of your life. But at the same time, she believes that if you mess up, you deserve to face the consequences.

She has had(?) such faith and something inside me snapped or clicked or the stars aligned or whatever.

Her integrity inspires me. Her beliefs ground me. Her principles give me the strength to pick myself up and get my shit together.

I'm getting back on track. The journey will suck and there will be times I just want to give up, but I'll get there. I promise. I'm choosing the harder road because you make me want to be a better person. 

I never say this enough, and I'm terrible with communicating, but thanks mom. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being you.  :') <-look! real tears that you never got to see!

i can't even

Honestly.

I’m not high maintenance. I’m not demanding. I’m not a pathetic damsel in distress or a shit human being that needs rescuing or molly coddling.

I’m self-reliant and my basic needs stick to the bare necessities. (Okay, I can be high maintenance sometimes but I can tone things down and survive on the bare basics if need be.)

I’m more than happy if you leave me alone. Honestly, if you didn’t want me to turn into such a shit piece of antisocial, selfish human being, maybe you shouldn’t have bloody banished me to Mother Effing Russia all those years ago, All By Myself.

People change over time, and I’ve gotten comfortable in my own prickly skin. My DGAF attitude is bloody liberating. Maybe you should try it yourself sometimes. Because honestly, think about it. Why are you bending over backwards to please an asshole that doesn’t even show gratitude?

I do your stupid chores, stick to your stupid rules, put up with your stupid quirks. I don’t expect anything in return, but surely a few hours a day to myself isn’t too much to ask?

I watch 20odd episodes of tv shows a week in Moscow. (Yes, the Internet has spoiled me; No, it’s not as bad as it sounds because it’s spread across 6 days and some are half-hour episodes). Anyway, I come back and deal with the disappointing state of Astro and end up with 3hours of tv a week. 3 hours a week. Apparently that is asking too much. 

I would like to watch my shows in peace, which boils down to no interruption during my 1-hour of TV time whenever it crops up. I give everyone plenty warning when my show is on. There is no pause button on Astro. And yes, every stupid question you ask me brings me back to this reality instead of the AU that exists on my show. American (& British) dramas make sense. (Most of the time anyway.) You don’t have too many WTF moments where logic fails to exist. The dialogues are normally one of the best parts of the show. I’d like to pay attention to the actor’s acting skills. Their nuances and expression; the supporting storyline; the character development; the wardrobe and makeup. So many things can happen with just one look. So yes, it annoys the hell out of me when you disturb me or ask inane questions. I enjoy quality TV, which might seem weird to you since all you watch is crap K dramas with terrible acting and clichéd plots. Your dialogues are reduced to subtitles. You don’t mind missing an episode or two because you’ll still know what’s going on in the drama. People on my show die or get blackmailed into doing shit. Basically if I have to miss an episode, I'd rather not watch the rest of the season until I can catch up properly. 

I care about my shows and the characters. I know it’s hard for you to understand because you’ve gotten used to crap, but I have standards and I actually invest in my shows. So please, leave me the hell alone for the duration of an episode. Do you really need me to print something for you right now? Do you really need me to make you a cup of coffee at this time? Am I really the only one who can whip up a late supper for you?

Another thing I’ve gotten used to doing in Moscow is writing. I doodle on pieces of paper; I type away on my laptop. It’s hard enough to find the time to write, harder still to get into the correct mood. If you ask what I’m doing and my reply is “writing” or “my things”, bloody well leave it at that. Because no matter how many times you ask me what I’m writing, my answer will always be “just writing la!”

And for goodness sake, do not fucking read over my shoulder as I type. Yes, I can feel that. It’s creepy and a rude violation of my privacy. Reading something out loud will most definitely end with me glaring daggers at you hoping for you to drop dead and die because seriously, what kind of shitty human being even does that?! 

It's bad enough I can't unwind or de-stress in peace. Honestly, I love each and every one of you, but I need me-time to recharge. The human interaction here is 24/7 and I really need a break from human beings in general. Can we just pretend that I don't exist for a day or two? 

Honestly. I'm getting wound tighter each day and you take away my coping mechanisms. This is a shit show waiting to implode.

Mess.

What do you think I’ve been doing this whole time? 

Because despite your rose-colored perception of my life here, it’s not a ^*@!ing bed of roses. The roses are dead and have wilted a long time ago; all I’m left with is brambles and thorns and a plethora of shit that other people do not have to put up with.

Take it as a life lesson. Yeah. I’ve had enough life lessons from the past four years to last me a lifetime. Thanks but no thanks. 

I’ve been taken down so many pegs; there are dinosaur fossils that are located higher in the ground than where I am.

This is the most shithole place and time I’ve ever been in life.

Of Handcuffs, Blindfolds, and a Countdown Timer

First off, get your dirty minds out of the gutter. Nothing kinky of that sort going on.

Anyhoo, today was my first time at Escape Room. I know it's been pretty popular for quite some time, but this was my first chance to try it out. Anyway, I went to the one in Setia Walk(Puchong) with my younger brother and sister. They've done a few different ones with their friends and cousins, but today we were going to try out the Dungeon of Doom. (The difficulty was rated 4 out of 5 stars.)

The Secret Lab; CSI; Kung Fu; UP; Dungeon of Doom; Fear Factor

Apparently our cousin tried that and failed, and there were two groups of people before us who also did the Dungeon of Doom and failed. As we stared at the two groups who had to take the "loser" shots, my sister and I were thinking the same thing: 1. We don't want to lose. 2. Damn embarassing wei. 3. Seriously memalukan.

Basically we had 45minutes to escape from the room we were sent into. Before we even went in, we were given blindfolds and instructed to form a Choo-choo train by holding the shoulder of the person in front of us. The girl then led us into the room and asked us to put our hands behind our backs before she handcuffed each of us. So yeah. Blindfolded and handcuffed in a dark room. The moment she left the room we were allowed to start moving. Lots of wiggling ensued whereby we helped each other out of the blindfolds, then we eventually got our handphones out and turned on the flash for some light. Finally.

First off, getting rid of the handcuffs. I have no idea how my younger brother did it, but he somehow forced his open while trying to bring his hands to the front. Anyway, he found the key and helped me with my handcuff before I helped my sister with hers. For some reason we just left one side of the handcuffs on for the remainder of the time even though the dangly half hooked onto a lot of things.

There was a bed and some chains and skulls, a rope, and a wall with graffiti of math equations..? A grill door separated us from the other half of the room which had four boxes and a wall of clocks and other things. I won't tell how we opened the door or solved the obstacles (in case any of you guys decide to try this one day,) but we wasted two of our hints on really easy things so we had to figure out the hard ones on our own.

I'll just come out and say I was really useless in the beginning. I had no idea what to look for or what to do, and my two younger siblings couldn't be bothered to layan me and my "What am I supposed to do?" and "I don't understand this game!" I could feel my sister being fed up with me at one point (after the game she admitted to feeling like just slapping me, LOL) and pandai-pandai decided to go to the other side of the room until we made more progress.

BUT, I was really useful in the end! :) I solved two of the last padlock/codes. I still have no idea how the alphabet lock worked, but hey, I pandai-pandai worked backwards and with the help of elimination and some sly thinking, got the correct answer.

The last obstacle was nerve-wrecking because of the time left. We tried a few variations but nothing worked. I saw glimpses of a pattern and on a hunch, began cracking the code. Overhead, the timer was counting down the final ten seconds.

We knew it was the last obstacle because the code we punched in would open the door and we would be free so it would suck so very terribly if we made it through all the earlier obstacles only to fumble at the last one.

I held onto the UV light and yelled numbers at my sister while my brother held the white torch light to give my sister normal lighting so she could punch in the codes.

The door lock flashed a green light and opened as the timer showed 44:59.

HOLY EFF.

Anyway, the three of us just lingered at the door. Did we win or lose? Did the door open because the time was up or did we actually open it? I saw the green light which indicated we had the right code but the time was so close I wasn't really sure.

So we just waited like jakuns until someone came to the hallway and came to check on us. We had to ask him if we won or lost and he was pretty blur as well and asked us our time instead. Anyway, he said he'd give us that one second and we got out anyway meaning we must have successfully broken the code, SO WE WON. YESSSSSSS.

I now know what Castle must have felt like when he yanked all the cords and dismantled the dirty bomb at the last possible second.

He then laughed when he saw the handcuffs dangling from our arms and we finally removed them before heading out to take our Winner pictures.

Adrenaline rush to the max. 

I insisted on jakuning and taking another picture with their props.

Thats us (4th place) on their weekly Hall of Winners!

SUCH A CLOSE CALL!

This was the polaroid they gave us to keep. Such pretty borders! And in the back you can see the wall of losers. Haha. 

Our achievement brought on a Power Rangers moment. (Please excuse my tanned hand and feet.)

Riding on the adrenaline high. (Little Bro pulled out a poker face at the last moment - too cool liao.)

Anyway, we grabbed Starbucks on the way home (which normally isn't worth mentioning, BUT, we tried the new flavours.)

My sis tried the banana frap and I had the strawberry cheesecake. Hers was really weird (IMO. I mean, banana and coffee???) but mine was really delicious. Haha. Really loved the cookie crumbs they sprinkled on top but it's a tad too sweet for my liking.

Die. Just... DIE.

Holy mother of everything. Is no one in this household considerate?! Honestly. One stays up half the night watching tv; the other wakes at a bleeping ungodly hour to watch tv; and everyone watches at a volume that's too damn bleeping loud.

You don't even understand Korean. The fuck are you doing, blasting the tv at i-want-to-sleep o'clock?

It's fuck-you-I-didn't-get-to-sleep-last-night-so-i'd-like-to-sleep-now o'clock in the morning, the fuck are you doing, blasting the tv so fucking loudly?

And why the hell am I the only one in this household getting eaten alive by mosquitos? (Okay, i'm probably just exaggerating, but i'm feeling every damn bite right now. Not helping. At all.)

Now that I'm not facing jet lag or running myself rugged to the point of exhaustion, my dear old friend, Insomnia, is back. And my parents already think I'm lazy enough as it is that I can't even take naps in the day. I LIE IN BED PRETENDING TO SLEEP BUT I'M GETTING NOTHING HERE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO PISSED AT HAVING MY SLEEP ROBBED UNNECESSARILY?!

Now, I'm too damn pissed to sleep. I'm too damn pissed to write. I'm too damn pissed to do anything and I'm holed up in the study instead of the nice air conditioned bedroom because guess what, I'm actually considerate enough to not want to wake anyone else with the smashing of my keyboard.

sakhfdkjldshadkl;fnfdsakjlk;;s

Home is where the heart...

Phew. It's been 10 days since I've been home and I might need a break already.

It's not that I don't love my family or spending time with them, I'm just not used to interacting with other humans 24/7 for so many days in a row.

Yes, I've had my fill of talking my family members' ears off, but I am officially exhausted despite not doing much. I just want to curl up in a corner and be left alone to my own devices to recharge and regroup. Is that too much to ask?

Yes, spending family time is important and nice and all that, but I need me time as well.

At The Ballet...

Ahh. Ballet. The one constant in my life ever since I was 3. We've been through our ups and downs; the phases of likes and dislikes, then the appreciation comes along followed by the abrupt withdrawal and ensuing nostalgia, leading to an even deeper love for all types of dancing.

Anyhoo, I'm deviating from the point.

I've danced my fair share of ballets (My Fair Lady, Getting To Know You, Swan Lake, Dancing in the Rain, Les Sylphide, Waltz of the Flowers and La Bayadere to name a few,) and I've been lucky to attend a number of ballets live as well (Men in Tutus, Sleeping Beauty, Giselle, Swan Lake, and as of today, the Nutcracker.)

As my friend pointed out, I've seen all three of Tchaikovsky's balllets.

Sleeping Beauty, Swan Lake, and the Nutcracker. I saw all three at the Kremlin, so I guess it's safe to compare them with each other as they're of the same par.

Everyone goes crazy over Swan Lake. Personally, I never "understood" the hype for Swan Lake. The only parts I really really loved/looked forward to were when the Black Swan appears (Act 3) and of course her 32 fouettes. But watching the full length ballet live, I came to really enjoy the jester dude (Benno?) and all the formation changes as well with the Corps.

Sleeping Beauty. It was the first ballet that I saw in Moscow. I went in not really expecting much, but thoroughly enjoyed myself.

And, the Nutcracker. I've been looking forward to the Nutcracker for ages and ages. I don't know why but it's always been a favorite in my mind even though I've yet to see the ballet performance live.

I finally watched it earlier today, and I was... disappointed. I don't know if my expectations were too high, or if my mind just built it up to this magical number, but I left the ballet feeling... robbed/cheated.

I enjoyed the first part well enough, but found it to be really short (only 1 hour). But the second part was the one I was really anticipating. I loved the five dances (Spanish, Arabian, Chinese, Russian, Danish) but found them to be way too short. Surprisingly, I recognized music for four out of five of the numbers. (I've never seen the full ballet before this.) Sorry Spanish dance. I'm really trying to think of the positives before I move on to the negatives but it seems most of my memory has been tainted :-/

Oh well. On to the negs.

The costume was pretty enough, loved what they wore in the first scene. I though the Sugar Plum Fairy's outfit could be more... more. But omg what the Corps wore for Waltz of the Flowers, I can't. I'm sorry, but the costumes we had for our concert was nicer than what I saw today. Whats the thingy thingy crawling on one arm? What's with the tutu? It was split into four quadrants and I really didn't like how it looked when the dancers did certain steps. Like, No.

But the backdrop was pretty. The backdrops and props are always pretty, but I think Sleeping Beauty wins for the general look of the stage while Swan Lake wins with effects (I really really really loved how they made it look like the swans were swimming across the lake.)

On to the dancers. Hmm. Sleeping Beauty and Swan Lake's Corps didn't irk me as much as Nutcracker's did. I've seen YouTube videos and the leads of all three ballets can't really compare to "top tier" soloists (i.e. internationally famous ballerinas,) so I guess that was a bit of a let down. It's not Bolshoi, but hey, it's still Russian. And tour groups come to the Kremlin to watch these ballets! (There was a Chinese and an Italian group today.)

Watching ballets used to be all about "OMG so cool" and "Wish I could learn to do that one day" or "I wonder when my technique will be good enough to pull that off" and "how do they beat/turn so many times?"

I used to look at the Corps and go "Yeah, I'm not as good but I'm pretty sure I can pull of some of those moves" but now I'm looking at the leads and going "Yeah I used to be able to do that" and it's such a let down! I go to the ballet to be amazed and awe struck. Maybe it's time for me to scout out other theaters as well.

I think it might be hard for Nutcracker to pull off a higher technical difficulty level because of the children involved as well, but omg there was this one Corps girl who was so terribly sesat with her timing for Waltz of the Flowers that I just couldn't concentrate on anything else. What gives?! And it wasn't just once - her sesatness continued into a lot of that particular number.

The formations were messy too. I sat in the center, so it's pretty obvious when something is lopsided or a different distance upstage/downstage. If Swan Lake got a 9 (I'm a tad OCD), then today's performance earned a 5. I really didn't like it. :(

And. I had a problem with Clara's hands. It's hard to enjoy a ballet when the lead ballerina's hand irk you.

The jumps weren't really there for the guys, and generally you could tell the dancers were probably getting tired in the second half. I was pursing my lips on the inside going "I can see you thinking". I don't expect perfection, but people are paying to watch this performance. Guess I expected a little more quality-wise.

For the very first time ever, EVER, I had a problem with the orchestra. Someone messed up big time during the Sugar Plum Fairy's dance. The celesta was definitely way too loud in the opening bar and the conductor probably overcompensated with the whole orchestra in the next phrase which made it even more glaringly obvious. (Kudos to Clara for continuing as though nothing was wrong.) I don't know what was going on with the percussions, but it wasn't good either for some of the numbers. And oh god that piccolo. Someone do something about today's orchestra.



My final verdict? Sleeping Beauty was my favorite ballet at the Kremlin. I'm like a kid, so give me elaborate, colorful costumes rather than the bland white swans; and today's Nutcracker just wasn't on par with their technical difficulty.

So. I'll probably give Nutcracker another chance with another theater and hope that one will deliver better. Until then, there are still a lot of ballets out there to be seen. :)