the grinch.

christmas eve. i used to look forward to this day. even though my family wasn't christian, christmas was a big thing in my house. 

every year we'd put up our 6 foot tall christmas tree. sort through the christmas lights, hang up ornaments, cover the base with the gold covering. we had two train sets. both were lego, but one was the kiddy version, with big blocks and a battery operated train. the other was super complex. you could change tracks, and you really had to plan out the route because there were limited number of tracks to use. make it too big and you'd have to dismantle and start all over again. it ran on electricity, and you could adjust the speed etc. over the years we added our lego toys to build bridges and flyovers. if you let the trains go too fast, they literally flew off the tracks.

and of course, no christmas tree is complete without the presents waiting at the base of the tree. wrapped up all daintily with pretty ribbons and foldings. my mom used to pick out presents for us, but as we got older, we each picked out what to buy for each other. 

i love getting presents. who doesnt? i think most of my love for christmas stemmed from the excitement of getting ready throughout december. and when you finally get to open the presents, it's just such a wonderful feeling. i love the surprise of tearing through the wrappers to get to your gift. i'm not one of those girls who unwrap their presents slowly, trying to save the wrapping paper for memory - i'm too impatient for that. those presents have been sitting under the tree, taunting me for weeks! i just have to get to it!

that was christmas in malaysia. 

christmas in russia is different. sure, there were christmas parties and gift exchange going on, but this year i just wasnt really feeling festive, and for the first time since coming here, i think i really do feel homesick. 

christmas eve and i wont be doing anything. the little gift exchange i'm supposed to have with a few of my best friends, yeah that's been postponed since we've got an exam and a test to sit for respectively. christmas dinner, what dinner?

my mom's half of the family is at my home now. they all came over for christmas, and i cant remember the last time they came over, all together. my relatives from jakarta and singapore all came over on sunday, and they're all spending the holiday together. 

it sucks that they've all gotten so close in the recent years, i.e. when i'm stuck here in russia. all alone. with no one who's able to drop by. you think its hard for malaysians to get visa here? wait till you're indonesian. it's hard to get visa for so many countries. 

i was all excited to skype my mom's half of the family. i even put a reminder on my phone, to set the time i'd skype home. i planned it out with my sister - it was a date. 

lo and behold. they're all out in kl, celebrating. i couldn't even get in touch with them. they were all so busy and having so much fun. amidst all the noise and the bustle, my texts all went by unnoticed. my older brother was the only one to reply me. he was at work, see, so he wasnt with them. 

he's sad that he wont be joining them for the genting trip. yeah, all five families and my grandma will be heading up to genting for two days. my brother started working not too long ago, so he only had one day off for christmas. so he's staying home. 

it sucks to be him, but guess what. it sucks to be me more. i dont even want to be here anymore. 

have yourself a merry fucking christmas.