...when Chinese families do a darn good job of tearing their
own kids down?
Here’s something I’ve never told anyone before. While I was
growing up, I’ve always seen myself as less than useless to my family. Feeling like I was useless would have been a
treat because the only thing I felt was that I was worse than useless – I was a
burden to my family. Being female is sin enough (my parents never made me feel
this way, but I had more than enough relatives “subtly” hinting at it) but to
make things worse, I had nothing to contribute to the family; I was just another
mouth at the table for my parents to feed.
So that might have messed my mind a little. Which is why I
absolutely loathe this next part.
I’m sure my family wasn’t the only one who did it. I had
friends who experienced it as well while we were all growing up. You know, the
kiasu competition of “No la, your child is so much better than mine, my child
always <insert various complains here>.
It was like a fucking sin to praise your child.
If you get
97 on a test, your parents ask why you didn’t get 100 instead. When you do get
100, you don’t get a “good job” or “keep up the good work”, it's merely “other
students in her class also get 100” or "but she only got 94 for another subject".
When Chinese parents meet, it’s like a bloody competition of
lets-see-who-can-out-praise-the-other-kid-while-putting-down-our-own-kid.
Exhibit A:
-Wah, Mrs. X, your daughter so smart, I hear she got a trophy
for the storytelling contest.
-No la, she was lucky. Second place only la. Even her teacher
says she’s too playful to focus properly. But your daughter also very talented, she’s
taking piano exam this year right?
-Aiya, grade 1 only la. Everybody also learning piano,
nothing special la. Her teacher also always complain she don’t practice enough.
Too lazy. Don’t know if she can even get distinction or not.
Exhibit B:
-Eh Mrs. B, how did your daughter do for her PMR? She so
clever, sure straight A’s no problem wan right?
-Oh no la, she’s not as clever as you think la. Her Mandarin is terrible wan. Everybody also say she like banana. She got B for Mandarin. How about your daughter?
-Oh, B for Mandarin. I hear that subject also very
difficult. My daughter got straight A’s but only 7 subjects la, she never take
Mandarin because too difficult. Mrs. C’s son also got straight A’s but he took
the Mandarin paper as well la.
Ps. Pardon the broken English. It's like, a must when these aunties talk to one another.
Honestly. Can Chinese parents never just come out to their
kids and say “You did okay/pretty well” or even a simple “You’re on the right
track. Just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing”? I'm not even looking for a praise here!
My parents were never really into comparing us with other
kids but I SEE YOU, “caring” relatives and “concerned” parents of our friends. I don't mind healthy competition, after all, it pushes us to excel, but I see through your guise.
*squints and points finger at you. Yes you, the one feeling guilty/self conscious. I'm talking to you* What is with your circle of toxic? Keep your hating to yourself and if you
gossipy hags want to spread something, spread the damn love.
Back in primary school, I’ve only ever felt like I wasn’t
ever good enough, but as I went into secondary school, I slowly learned about
politics and disguised boasts. But I beg all parents to stop with the
unhealthy competition. Because everytime you mention 7 A's and 1 B for Mandarin,
I only hear the “1 B for Mandarin" part. Whenever I hear 10 A1s and 2 A2s, I only
hear “2 A2s”. It no longer mattered when you would later on assure me you’re
proud of all the A's I got because the only thing that I can think of, are the
things I didn't do well enough. It’s already ingrained in my
system to look for my own faults even when no one’s looking anymore.
Tonight, my mom told me she liked who I had become after I
returned from my 1st year in Russia. I learned how to appreciate
things, cared for my family, and became more thoughtful, helpful, and
economical, yadda yadda yadda. (There was obviously a big, fat "But" at the end of her sentence.)
Yes, she’s right. I did change for the better. But you’re
acknowledging this 3 years too late, mother dearest. This acknowledgement
would’ve been useful back when I was trying to help my siblings change, when I
was trying to teach my siblings to be more grateful for what we have.
Instead, I felt as though I was speaking to a wall and my
good intentions were ignored/no one even realized I was trying.
Which was why I slowly gave up over the years. The girl who cared too much became the girl who DGAF.
I stopped caring because all my efforts felt futile. If
someone had even acknowledged my efforts back then, told me that I was on the
right track, maybe I wouldn’t have given up so easily. On them, on myself. Who knows?
If my mother could’ve just opened her mouth three years ago
instead of three years too late, maybe, she wouldn’t have to call me selfish
today.
