Heart vs. Brain

Decisions, decisions…

So I’m at a personal crossroads of sorts. I’m thinking of staying in Moscow over the coming summer.

I mean, accommodation isn’t an issue because I’d have to pay rent for my apartment anyway. And I save approx. RM3k on flight tickets. (Ooooh I could use the money to backpack around Europe. :D)

I return every year for two basic things. Food and company (family and friends). The food I can honestly do without. I’m not crazy for local food. I can eat something once in the summer and it’s enough to tide me over until the next year. In fact, I lose weight every summer when I return home. Without even consciously trying to do so. “Missing” Malaysian food won’t be an issue for me, I guess. On the downside, if I remain in Moscow, I’d likely end up maintaining/gaining weight. Drat.

Most of my friends have started working anyway and we rarely meet up anymore. Besides, most of them are back for good so I’d get to see them when I return in 2016(?) anyway.

Family.

Call me a coward but I can foresee my family’s finances getting tighter in the coming year and I’m a shitty human being for even thinking like that, but it would be so much easier for me to stay away. I won’t have to deal with family drama or nagging relatives. If I miss them I could always Skype home. Right?

But I am subconsciously distancing myself. Or so my family has told me. Repeatedly, over the past months. Maybe the past week has been especially tough; maybe the past months were difficult, but I’m kind of afraid if I don’t return, it’d be like I was turning my back on my family. After all, I chose to stay away, I chose to not put in the effort to keep my family together. I chose the easy way out.

That guilt that I would bear is the only reason I haven’t spoken to my parents about staying back in summer.

Everything else is rational and seemingly easy to decide. But the heart is an ass of an organ. Despite behaving like a thinker most of the time, deep down, the feeler in me always puts up a good fight and mess up all my meticulous plans.