Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Under the Gun

Stand up.

Get up, and Fight. Your work isn't done yet.

Even when your loved ones tell you to take it easy, you need to Push for it. Fight for it because you know you can do So much better. Now's not the time to give up and it sure as hell isn't the time to give in. Not yet.


Yes, i steal lines here and there from tv series that i like and use it in everyday life. G.A.C. (guilty as charged).

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Hi. My name is Amanda and I have the mentality and emotional range of a teenager.

Summer. Bloody. Fucking. Summer.
The word alone stirs up mixed emotions.

'Tis turning more and more into a curse rather than a blessing with each passing day.

Oh fucking summer. Glorious summer, You herald promises of sunshine and fun. It means going home. Back to my family, back to my homeland. Back to a place with food! Such glorious food!

Malaysia.

I've escaped your grasp. Fled far away from your gnarly talons. Absence casts a softening glow to my memories of you.

But where the glow doesn't reach are dark recesses. Oh so many dark recesses that I've forgotten. But my past is always there. Ready to pounce forth at any moment. 

I've forgotten about the emotional baggage. The issues and the darkness. But they never forget about me. Always watching, prepared to be dredged up when I least expect it. They exhilarate at the thought of catching me unawares, when I am most vulnerable.

No matter how much I think I've grown; or how far I think I've come, the thought of going back brings the old me straight back. Up front and center, in the spotlight.

My insecurities never went away. My problems were never resolved.

The mere thought of these alone are enough to reduce me to the swearing, dark and twisty teenage Amanda. The one who blasts Avril Lavigne circa early/mid 2000 to drown out the world.

Congratu-fucking-lations. I'm still as pathetic and broken as you've beat me into. I guess some things just never change huh.


No I’m not fucking fine. Nothings “fine” with me. There’s no such thing as fine. Fine is fucking overrated. It is a state of being that I cannot find. Or even if I do find it, it fucking lasts for a very brief period, and I’m back to my fucked up self.
Why can’t you fucking leave me alone? Is my being content such a horrifying thought to you that each time I think I’ve moved to a better state of being, you have to just muck everything up. You dredge up old issues and make me resort back into the fucking messed up teenager that I was. That I apparently still am.
.... And you just can’t accept that, can you? Well fuck you. Take your fucking two cents and shove it up your fucking ass.

.... Yes, my mother will protect me from the worst of it, and she’ll do her best to accommodate me, but I know that she’s getting the crap end from the others so how can I in good conscience put her in that tough spot?

.... Let me warn you. I’m fucking childish. I’ve done so many things that I normally wouldn’t do just to spite some people and tell them to stick it. Keep harping on me and I will fucking turn off my rational side and go on a fucking spree like the selfish little brat that you’ve apparently caricatured me into. 
All the other fuckers my age can go out whenever the fuck they want, at whatever fucking time they want. If my parents don’t give me a strict curfew, who the fuck are you to enforce one? No one fucking asked you to meddle on behalf of my parents. Fuck all you fuckers.

Sod off fuckers, and stick it. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

you did well, kiddo!

-->
To my amazing children, 
When I was born, it was all about me. My parents loved each other, and a product of that love was bringing me into this world. For the longest time, it was all about me. 
Then I met your father, and eventually we ended up together. The axis of my life shifted. 
Now, the statement changed from "What about me?" to "What about us?" We were two different people with different opinions who now had to adjust our goals and direction. Will love and understanding prevail through strife and turmoil? Luckily for us, the answer to that was "Yes".
But now comes a different phase in my life. 
The greatest and most amazing aspect of life is bringing another life into this world. Becoming a parent, caring for your children, brings out emotions and feelings that you have never felt before. 
My axis shifted yet again.
The statement changed once more, from "What about us?" to "What about them?"
How quickly the cycle of me turns to the cycle of you. 
My greatest hope as your mother is that you will be able to go through all these phases throughout your own life, with the person you truly love, just like I have. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

burnin' up

So I posted a new story about two and a half hours ago. So far, i've got 18reviews and more than 650hits. For someone who's ecstatic to get more than 10 reviews a chapter, 18 reviews in merely 2.5 hours has me (kinda) over the moon.

So my reviews have all been mainly positive, but there are a few negative ones out there, and i'm fine with that. But i can't help but notice some users who voice the same thing over and over again in different stories.

When will something be considered con-crit?  and how do you differentiate it from flaming?

It's harsh when you put up your work for the world to scrutinize. obviously not everyone is going to like it, and i'm fine with that, especially since i'm starting to enjoy toeing the line and venturing into the grey area.

when i write something, obviously i write it in a certain way because that's my personal opinion. everyone's entitled to their own POV. if someone has a conflicting opinion with mine, by all means, bring it up, challenge me, we can talk it out or whatever, i don't mind discussing and exchanging opinions. but sometimes at the end of the day, we just have to agree to disagree.

saying something is full of crap is just... childish.

you bring up the same running issue time and again. she's unreasonable, yadda yadda yadda. well, maybe i find it easier to side with the female because i am one, and i can relate to certain issues.

have you ever considered that you've always sided with the male because you are a male too? i'm not playing the sexist card, but us girls are more sensitive to each other and certain things.

no matter how flipping drop dead gorgeous a girl is, every one of us have body image issues. the only difference is how big a deal it is to each individual.

of course we're going to say that things are fine even when its not. what else are we supposed to do? we're wired that way.

it's natural for us to feel insecure at times. yes, we sometimes acquire more reassurances so if you can't deal with that, go find that one special girl that's different or go get yourself a nice dude.

criticize me on my writing style. or on my approach to themes. or how i sometimes don't realize if i'm writing in simple past or past perfect and even some present tense all at the same time. and if i'm not typing out something on microsoft word, go ahead and bash me for relying on auto-capitalization.

don't pick a fight with me because of how i choose to interpret a character's opinion. I'll take your input into consideration, but please, if you're going through all my work to pick on the same person, do us both a favor and stop reading.

no one's forcing you to read. no one's holding a gun to your head. so why don't you just walk away. 


Ps. yes, this is my way of standing up to bullies. i just haven't figured out how to say it to their faces yet, but at least this way, i fell like i'm giving them a piece of my mind. baby steps and small comfort, you know?

Sunday, May 5, 2013

election fever

-->
As people elsewhere on Earth celebrate Cinco de Mayo, the rakyat of Malaysia face our 13th General Election.
Growing up, I had never been interested in the politics of my country. We had neither war nor famine; things were pretty fine as it was. Even when I entered my teens, politics had never been a topic that came up in discussions with my friends. My dad’s half of the family kept up with the news, but that was it. I tuned out whenever politics was brought up because I didn’t know these people or what they did.
I was in my final year of high school during the previous general election. There had been rumblings and issues were stirring up in the months preceding the election. When the opposition party won over a surprising amount of votes, everyone was thrown in a loop. The rakyat rejoiced upon discovering that yes, we could make a difference and make a stand. For the very first time, we had truly shaken BN to their core.
Years went by, and here we are now.
For the very first time, I was truly excited for Malaysia’s general election. In the months leading up to this election, a myriad of issues were brought to the attention of the rakyat.
See, the government may stifle our voices in the newspaper, radio, talk shows, and even news networks, but one media has managed to become a major platform for voicing our opinions – the internet.
Facebook and twitter gave us information – untainted information – from both parties practically instantaneously. Rallies and gatherings were planned and the word spread like wild bush fires.
Most importantly, it got us youths interested in politics. My bubble of ignorance was finally popped. Maybe it was because I was finally approaching a voting age. Maybe it was because my parents’ problems and the rakyat’s problems have become my problems too.
Regardless of the reasons, I tuned in to check with the results of the general election. To my surprise and joy, I wasn’t the only one affected by this political awareness. My friends were all talking about it. My sister and her friends were talking about it too. It seemed as though everyone was talking about it.
I had multiple windows opened with live result updates and discussions going on with my family and cousins.
As the results slowly trickled in, we waited on the edges of our seats, clicking the refresh button even though the websites came with auto-refresh features.
Way too many hours later, our dreams were absolutely crushed. The disappointment started slowly.
Foreigners were allegedly brought into the country and given Identity Cards (ICs) just so they could vote for BN. My own mother has been in this country for more than twenty five years and she still can’t vote but someone who has been in my country for a mere two days can suddenly vote?
The “Indelible” ink used wasn’t really indelible at all because it had to be “halal”.
Blackouts occurred at counting stations where the opposition had strong leads. Lo and behold, the opposition loses in the end when additional ballot boxes are miraculously found.
To be honest, I didn’t expect the opposition party to win the parliament. They would win states over, yes, but the parliament would be tricky to win over, especially since Sarawak gave BN a strong win with multiple parliament seats from the very beginning.
But for the first few hours, it was a pretty tight race, with the opposition party behind by only about ten seats or so. There was still hope. The rakyat held out for that hope. We were all waiting in anticipation.
More hours passed and the general results were in.
Many people were disappointed and outraged. They felt cheated by this election.

We did not “topple” the government, but tonight was no small achievement either. Change does not come easily. It is not a revolution that occurs overnight. It may feel like we’re taking baby steps, and maybe we are, but what happened tonight was no small feat. There has been progress made.
80% of voters turned up to vote, and this is a record high for Malaysia.
Political awareness has swept through the country like never before.
I see the Malaysian youths take a pro-active stance in our country’s politics and I have to feel proud of this achievement.
The rakyat banded together and made a stand. 

We have loss, yes, but this isn’t the end of the road. We are merely paving the road for a better future.
Many people are demanding actions to be taken or roaming around the streets with parangs. Heck, a whole bunch of people and starting petitions to get the UN or even America involved.
Sleep over it. Don’t do anything rash. Let the dust settle before we try to tackle these problems.
Getting outsiders to interfere is not the way we should settle this. Seriously, we do not need history to repeat itself. Remember when we asked the British for help? Look how well that turned out for our past Sultans. We need to stand together as a nation and face our own problems.
The disappointing events have nearly turned me away from politics but I have faith in the rakyat. We need to stand strong proceed from here. We do what we can in the next five years because every little progress counts.
And at the end of the five years, we, the rakyat, will face the 14th general election, more prepared than ever.