Coping mechanisms. and an apology.

Been in a funk recently, and no, I don't know why - if I did, I'd probably try to deal with it already, okay fine, maybe I do have some clues as to why i'm in this funk but hush. Just let me wallow in my misery. For a while more at least. And by a while, I might mean a few days.

Anyhoo.

One of my friends (who had the best intentions) told me to go listen to some music or write something. Yes, normally that would work, but this is one of those stupid funks that make me not want to write at all. or listen to music. *cue amanda reacting like a douche*

Eventually I stumbled onto figure skating videos on YouTube. Yay me.

I've decided that figure skating videos are my go-to balms now. It's a phase. Whatever.

I refuse to watch ballet or modern dance videos because those just make me more depressed. It makes me think of all the cool things I used to be able to do, and basically make me yearn for dance classes which I'm unable to attend thanks to my own stupidity. But that's another story.

Anyway, figure skating.

It was a pretty obvious choice, what with the Sochi olympics coming up and all that. Besides, it's a combination of a lot of things that I love (dance, music, artistry, costumes - I could go on forever) but the big plus side is I don't know anything about ice skating techniques (the most that I can do is skate forwards and backwards, but that's it) so my brain won't can't analyze the performance. I can basically just enjoy it.

When someone pulls off a Triple-triple combination, I just go "Whoa, cool!" I don't know what's a clean landing, or the difference between a triple lutz(is that how you spell it?) or a double axle, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

During the (normal?) Olympics I went through a gymnastics phase, but I'm only really interested in the ones where they perform with props. Gymnastics is rather trick after trick after trick and lots of scary flexibility and over arching backs. Or just the weird stance. I don't know - sorry, must be my ballet-oriented brain tuning in.

It comes in with figure skating as well though. The one thing that I don't like about figure skating is their lines. Sorry. It's just too kang-kang or not-straight-enough-knees or not-squared-hips for me. Blame it on ballet. I like clean ballet lines with ballet orientation. So no, I do not like your lines, or attitudes, or arabesques. They're off by ballet standards.

But one thing about figure skating that manages to steal my breath time and time again are their leaps. How do they do that?! The sheer amount of power and control that goes into the jumps, spinning effortlessly in the air (seriously, 15 y.o. lipnitskaia pulls off triple-triple combos like they're nothing!) and then you have to land on one of three surfaces of the blade, AND continue gliding on the ice. How do you *insert blubbering noises*.

I absolutely love that they continue gliding on the ice after leaps/spins/jumps. Like the energy just molds into the next step. With ballet when you end your pirouettes it just... ends. Sure, if you finish in 4th you could probably extend the moment slightly longer than your plie in 5th,  but you're just there on the same spot (which is kind of the point) before going into the next step. On ice, you make a gazillion spins/rotations and just continue moving/gliding into the next step. A lot of this has to do with the decreased friction on ice, so it's unfair to compare ballet and figure skating, but I can't help it because they're so similar and yet so different at the same time.

*more blubbering noises as i struggle to cope with my FEELS* Yes, performances give me more feels than movies. I'm sorry, I just never cry at movies. Okay, there was once when I was 8 and teared a little at one scene in a movie. But movies just don't get to me, man. I get feels over people and performances. I do tear up at really good performances. They speak my lingo. I relate to the thrill and passion and connection.

So, in a roundabout sort of way, my friend's suggestion did help.
Since I didn't know the big-shots in figure skating, I mainly chose videos based on views and song. And all those videos helped put me in a much better place emotionally and mentally. (The turning point was Johnny Weir's Bad Romance for Fashion On Ice 2011. GO WATCH IT.) And after a few  many, many YouTube videos, I'm at a place where I can blog and sort of declutter my brain.

Basically, I'm an idiot, and my friends do know me better than myself at times. Sorry for being an ass. 

disappointment

We all feel it sometimes. Most of the time? I don't know. Some more often than others, I'd venture to say.

I'm disappointed in you. The plural you.
I expected more. How could I not? After four years worth of heartaches and pain and hardship, you finally get the girl. And then what?

How can you not appreciate something so magically extraordinary? Do you really only want what you can't have? So once you get the girl you lose interest?

The best outcome from this scenario would be that the Powers That Be have a longer trajectory in mind to peel off one of your onion layers. But where is this coming from?
How can we see such rapid and dramatic and downright delightful character growth from her but settle with you being stagnant, or even worse, regressing?

You're my OTP and of course i invest in you, so as much as i would like to trust in TPTB, it's hard to do so.

It pained S to write her review. It pains me to agree with her too.