Looking Through the Window

As 2013 comes to a close, here's my obligatory  predictably "obligatory" post to wrap up the past year and look into 2014.

If I were to describe 2013 in a word i'd go with... long. It's been long and exhausting. But then again, it's already coming to a close in the blink of an eye. So time really is relative, isn't it?


Screw this nonsense. My emotions screw with my writing more than I'd like sometimes, so I'm just going to post the draft I wrote a few days ago, because going on a tirade really isn't how I would prefer to end this year.


Things i've learnt in 2013 general:

-Adapt. take what you're given and deal with it. quit your whining. it doesn't help the situation and more often than not, you're getting on someone else's nerves (most of the time, it's mine.) make the best out of a situation and just deal with it.

-there's always room for growth and learning. no matter how good you are, there's always someone better out there that you can learn from.

-there's always the calm before the storm. things are looking good for you, right? well, shit's about to happen so enjoy it while it lasts. but live in the moment. cherish the metaphorical calm seas - don't waste your energy worrying about the bad things. they'll come knocking on your doors soon enough.

-but sometimes you get a double rainbow after the storm. your life sucks. everything is going wrong and you ask yourself "why bother?" why should you bother with life when it's adamant at screwing you over? here's why. as hard as it is to hold out, the bad does eventually end. or at least, it'll give you a temporary reprieve. and when you're over that hurdle, you know that you're a better or stronger person because of it. and if you're extremely blessed, you might even get double rainbows. and unicorns. and all that jazz.

-it's okay to need down time. sometimes we have so many connections with the rest of the world that we feel disconnected with ourselves. it's okay to want to stay in and just spend some quiet time by yourself. turn off all your devices and see what you can do. you'll surprise yourself sometimes. i know i have.

-sometimes you gotta know when to push yourself. it's okay to step out of your comfort zone. it's perfectly fine to force yourself to try new things. we shouldn't ever be too comfortable in our own skin. it makes us complacent and we no longer push to better ourselves.


So there you go. I'll see y'all on the other side!

Strategy.

Currently having my Obstetrics and Surgery cycle, and believe it or not I actually feel more tired than when I had Topan cycle. With Niko-friggin-laev. 

Throughout October, it was study topan, go for class in the morning, study for topan, get through topan class in the afternoon, don't even think of celebrating the fact that you've passed the daily mini tests because you have prepare for tomorrow's class, study topan, eat, study topan, sleep. And repeat.

While the preparation for Obs and surgery class should technically not be as hard core as topan, I'm exhausted out of my mind by the time i get home, even though class begins at 9 and ends by lunch time (as opposed to full-days during topan cycle). 

I get home, do some things to wind down - surf the internet etc for a bit, and more often than not i end up taking a nap. 

I used to be able to count the number of times i took an afternoon nap on one hand (this spanned throughout primary school until my early years in moscow). 

Even when i was studying topan 24/7 i didn't feel exhausted enough to warrant an afternoon/evening nap. (But that may be because i couldn't even afford to spare the time to nap.)

I think it probably has a lot to do with all the travelling. Obs is in Kashirskaya, and the journey takes at least 75minutes even when i'm rushing over. 

I've sort of gone off tangent with the purpose of this blogpost but we've made the big detour and come to today's topic. 

Normally I don't mind standing when i'm using the metro, but I'm just so tired (both mentally and physically) after Obs class that I take strategising to a whole new level when i travel. 

While there are only five stops on the green line before i get off, the stations are very far apart (compared to the red line which i normally frequent anyway) so any opportunity to sit is an opportunity that i'm not going to waste. But it's not too bad because the trains are never as packed as the ones on the red line anyway. I don't have to feel bad for sitting down. 

When I get to Ohodny Ryad, that's when the real strategising comes to play. It's 10 stops between Ohod and Yugo, so I definitely want to be able to sit from the get go if possible. Game on. 

First off, walk towards the head of the train because that's the exit I'll be taking at yugo. Don't go all the way to the end - all those people are most likely travelling to Yugo or Prospekt, so they'd be aiming for any vacant seats as well. Don't wait near babushkas or old people in general - no one wants to "steal" seats from 'em. Somewhere near the end of second carriage is an escalator in the middle of the platform for people who want to change metro lines. Stand somewhere there. If the passengers travel often enough, they'd know which carriage of the train has the shortest distance to those escalators. Lots of people will get off and BAM. Empty seats. Now, if you don't get a seat at Ohod, don't worry. Tons of people get off at Biblio, so your chances of getting a seat is pretty high so long as you're not travelling during peak hours. 

For some reason my tired brain decided to ramble out loud and point out my decision-making process to my companion at the time, yuenxing. She had a nice laugh over it. 

Well, when the train pulled up, sure enough, a lot of people exited from the door i decided to wait by and headed for the pirihod (underpass that connects the different metro lines). The both of us got seats. So much win. 

and then an announcement came on. 

All passengers had to disembark at Park Kultury. 

Damnit. WHYYYYYYY. 

We should have gotten off at Biblio and try taking the next train - we would have had a higher chance of getting seats, but the both of us were too lazy to get off when we had just gotten seats. Nevermind, we'd just try our luck at Park Kultury. 

A number of passengers got off at Biblio, and we deliberated if we should catch the next train at Kropotkinskaya instead, but ultimately decided not to because not many people get off at Kropot anyway - might as well just sit a little longer. 

When we got to Park Kultury, we headed towards the centre instead. Here i explained my strategy to yuenxing once more. 

We're "fighting" for seats with people heading to the terminal stations (I won't bother getting the seat off of someone who gets off somewhere in between. If i'm already standing, might as well stand all the way). Yugo, prospekt, universitet and vorob evy gory have their exits located at the terminal ends of the platform, so we moved a little toward the centre. The first carriage is always full, the second one less so, but the third one had the highest probability for us to get seats. The fourth and fifth carriages weren't any good because 1. there's an exit in the centre of the universitet hall, so there would be more people aiming for those carriages, and 2. it's a little too far from my exit for my liking. 

It was the perfect strategy. Come on, man. Admit it. It was damn good strategy. 

Unfortunately, luck wasn't on our side today. By the time the train pulled up it was already pretty full, and there were twice the amount of passengers waiting on park kultury anyway. It had been a long shot, but my reasoning and planning gave yuenxing a good laugh so i decided to share it here in case it could bring laughter to other people as well. 

Yes, my brain is weird and think about the most bizarre issues. I take way too many factors into account and plan too far ahead for something as menial and trivial as riding the metro. 

on the other side of the door

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"Behind every great woman is a substantial amount of coffee."

Okay, the real quote doesn't really go that way, but I saw this on twitter a while back and like it so much better.

I recently had the opportunity to help out a friend for a short video - still have lots of shooting to do - but anyway, I was supposed to play a mom. A good mom. The doting, loving, patient, Mrs. Weasley-motherly kind of mom.

To those of you who know me well enough: please stop laughing.

Thinking of even portraying this character was a challenge. It was just so OOC for me! But I love challenges, and it was time to put all my theoretical tools(I read/watch way too many interviews and behind the scenes kind of thing. But my absolute favourites are when the actors talk about their character and how they become the character. Wardrobe is majorly important!!!) to practical usage.

I'd like to clarify right up that my character is just a secondary/supporting cast for this video, but still, I love immersing myself and giving it my best shot, no matter how small or large the role was.

As a writer, details and character development came easily enough to me. In fact, I think trying to wrap my head around this character really honed my brain to grasp on to the "show, don't tell" aspect of it all.

I didn't have a lot of lines for yesterday's scene(thank goodness for that, actually. I had to ad lib at one point and i basically told my "son" to "go make nice friends.... and... stuff." Motherly i am not.), so it all came down to the minute actions and details.

Smoothing his shirt, fixing his hair, lingering touches, and basically a lot of "wistful looking" at my son and/or husband.


Which brings me to today's blog post.

What's with all the wistfully looking about?

I'd like to think that I'm a modern, liberal, independent young woman. I don't take crap from most people, and when I'm forced to take said crap, it's normally tied to reasons relating to tradition, or the chinese culture, or respect.

But then why did I automatically become this supporting-in-a-submissive-way character the moment I tried to play this "motherly mom" character?

Why must our society mould us all into thinking that good mothers are the quiet, in-the-backgroud wistfully looking about type of mothers? No one forced me to do it, but that was just the way all our minds thought. It was subtle, but we all still have this typical-family concept in our head that makes my inner feminist jump up and down in rage frustration.

Why are men allowed to pursue careers and other opportunities, earn the title of being "successful", and then start a family if they want to. Sure, there are a number of men who start their family and then pursue further advancements, bearing the responsibility of being the breadwinner and ensuring no one went hungry under their roof. Yadda yadda yadda.

Try reversing the gender in that situation.

No matter how high a woman has climbed in the career/social ladder, in the back of everyone's mind, she's not really successful, because she doesn't have a family. Sure, she's had amazing achievements under her belt, but she can't really be happy, or she can't really be considered spectacular because she doesn't have a husband and/or children.

Women are "obligated" to put family before career. Yes, we have a biological body clock that no one is to be blamed for, and that doesn't really help our situation.

When women graduate, sure, we're expected to go get a job, and pursue our careers, but then you hit a certain age where everyone expects you to begin settling down, get married, or start having children. Stay home, put your career on pause, or just be happy with where you are in your job - let your husband focus on pursuing his career - you should be the good little wife and take care of the family, just do your basic 9-5 job.

What more could you want out of life? You have a beautiful little family with your white picket fence and the 2.5children - you should be satisfied with life. Be happy. Take care of your family, work a little, and go fix your husband a sandwich.


Going back to the quotes (and here's the barb you feminists are waiting for), a great man needs/can have a woman by his side/behind him/waiting on the other side of the doors. But a great woman needs no one else. Only coffee. ;p But it's also because if said woman actually had a man by her side, she wouldn't be great. People would just automatically assume that she's just riding on his tailcoats. Women have to do it all by themselves or else the credits go to their not-so-fair counterparts.


Now, I know some people aren't bound by the "norms" I have stated above, but from what I can see, this picture is the one most of us are looking at. I'm not trying to convince everyone that this is what it's like in the real world, but it is my personal opinion. Please keep in mind that I'm not trying to force this opinion upon anyone.