Looking Through the Window

As 2013 comes to a close, here's my obligatory  predictably "obligatory" post to wrap up the past year and look into 2014.

If I were to describe 2013 in a word i'd go with... long. It's been long and exhausting. But then again, it's already coming to a close in the blink of an eye. So time really is relative, isn't it?


Screw this nonsense. My emotions screw with my writing more than I'd like sometimes, so I'm just going to post the draft I wrote a few days ago, because going on a tirade really isn't how I would prefer to end this year.


Things i've learnt in 2013 general:

-Adapt. take what you're given and deal with it. quit your whining. it doesn't help the situation and more often than not, you're getting on someone else's nerves (most of the time, it's mine.) make the best out of a situation and just deal with it.

-there's always room for growth and learning. no matter how good you are, there's always someone better out there that you can learn from.

-there's always the calm before the storm. things are looking good for you, right? well, shit's about to happen so enjoy it while it lasts. but live in the moment. cherish the metaphorical calm seas - don't waste your energy worrying about the bad things. they'll come knocking on your doors soon enough.

-but sometimes you get a double rainbow after the storm. your life sucks. everything is going wrong and you ask yourself "why bother?" why should you bother with life when it's adamant at screwing you over? here's why. as hard as it is to hold out, the bad does eventually end. or at least, it'll give you a temporary reprieve. and when you're over that hurdle, you know that you're a better or stronger person because of it. and if you're extremely blessed, you might even get double rainbows. and unicorns. and all that jazz.

-it's okay to need down time. sometimes we have so many connections with the rest of the world that we feel disconnected with ourselves. it's okay to want to stay in and just spend some quiet time by yourself. turn off all your devices and see what you can do. you'll surprise yourself sometimes. i know i have.

-sometimes you gotta know when to push yourself. it's okay to step out of your comfort zone. it's perfectly fine to force yourself to try new things. we shouldn't ever be too comfortable in our own skin. it makes us complacent and we no longer push to better ourselves.


So there you go. I'll see y'all on the other side!

Strategy.

Currently having my Obstetrics and Surgery cycle, and believe it or not I actually feel more tired than when I had Topan cycle. With Niko-friggin-laev. 

Throughout October, it was study topan, go for class in the morning, study for topan, get through topan class in the afternoon, don't even think of celebrating the fact that you've passed the daily mini tests because you have prepare for tomorrow's class, study topan, eat, study topan, sleep. And repeat.

While the preparation for Obs and surgery class should technically not be as hard core as topan, I'm exhausted out of my mind by the time i get home, even though class begins at 9 and ends by lunch time (as opposed to full-days during topan cycle). 

I get home, do some things to wind down - surf the internet etc for a bit, and more often than not i end up taking a nap. 

I used to be able to count the number of times i took an afternoon nap on one hand (this spanned throughout primary school until my early years in moscow). 

Even when i was studying topan 24/7 i didn't feel exhausted enough to warrant an afternoon/evening nap. (But that may be because i couldn't even afford to spare the time to nap.)

I think it probably has a lot to do with all the travelling. Obs is in Kashirskaya, and the journey takes at least 75minutes even when i'm rushing over. 

I've sort of gone off tangent with the purpose of this blogpost but we've made the big detour and come to today's topic. 

Normally I don't mind standing when i'm using the metro, but I'm just so tired (both mentally and physically) after Obs class that I take strategising to a whole new level when i travel. 

While there are only five stops on the green line before i get off, the stations are very far apart (compared to the red line which i normally frequent anyway) so any opportunity to sit is an opportunity that i'm not going to waste. But it's not too bad because the trains are never as packed as the ones on the red line anyway. I don't have to feel bad for sitting down. 

When I get to Ohodny Ryad, that's when the real strategising comes to play. It's 10 stops between Ohod and Yugo, so I definitely want to be able to sit from the get go if possible. Game on. 

First off, walk towards the head of the train because that's the exit I'll be taking at yugo. Don't go all the way to the end - all those people are most likely travelling to Yugo or Prospekt, so they'd be aiming for any vacant seats as well. Don't wait near babushkas or old people in general - no one wants to "steal" seats from 'em. Somewhere near the end of second carriage is an escalator in the middle of the platform for people who want to change metro lines. Stand somewhere there. If the passengers travel often enough, they'd know which carriage of the train has the shortest distance to those escalators. Lots of people will get off and BAM. Empty seats. Now, if you don't get a seat at Ohod, don't worry. Tons of people get off at Biblio, so your chances of getting a seat is pretty high so long as you're not travelling during peak hours. 

For some reason my tired brain decided to ramble out loud and point out my decision-making process to my companion at the time, yuenxing. She had a nice laugh over it. 

Well, when the train pulled up, sure enough, a lot of people exited from the door i decided to wait by and headed for the pirihod (underpass that connects the different metro lines). The both of us got seats. So much win. 

and then an announcement came on. 

All passengers had to disembark at Park Kultury. 

Damnit. WHYYYYYYY. 

We should have gotten off at Biblio and try taking the next train - we would have had a higher chance of getting seats, but the both of us were too lazy to get off when we had just gotten seats. Nevermind, we'd just try our luck at Park Kultury. 

A number of passengers got off at Biblio, and we deliberated if we should catch the next train at Kropotkinskaya instead, but ultimately decided not to because not many people get off at Kropot anyway - might as well just sit a little longer. 

When we got to Park Kultury, we headed towards the centre instead. Here i explained my strategy to yuenxing once more. 

We're "fighting" for seats with people heading to the terminal stations (I won't bother getting the seat off of someone who gets off somewhere in between. If i'm already standing, might as well stand all the way). Yugo, prospekt, universitet and vorob evy gory have their exits located at the terminal ends of the platform, so we moved a little toward the centre. The first carriage is always full, the second one less so, but the third one had the highest probability for us to get seats. The fourth and fifth carriages weren't any good because 1. there's an exit in the centre of the universitet hall, so there would be more people aiming for those carriages, and 2. it's a little too far from my exit for my liking. 

It was the perfect strategy. Come on, man. Admit it. It was damn good strategy. 

Unfortunately, luck wasn't on our side today. By the time the train pulled up it was already pretty full, and there were twice the amount of passengers waiting on park kultury anyway. It had been a long shot, but my reasoning and planning gave yuenxing a good laugh so i decided to share it here in case it could bring laughter to other people as well. 

Yes, my brain is weird and think about the most bizarre issues. I take way too many factors into account and plan too far ahead for something as menial and trivial as riding the metro. 

on the other side of the door

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"Behind every great woman is a substantial amount of coffee."

Okay, the real quote doesn't really go that way, but I saw this on twitter a while back and like it so much better.

I recently had the opportunity to help out a friend for a short video - still have lots of shooting to do - but anyway, I was supposed to play a mom. A good mom. The doting, loving, patient, Mrs. Weasley-motherly kind of mom.

To those of you who know me well enough: please stop laughing.

Thinking of even portraying this character was a challenge. It was just so OOC for me! But I love challenges, and it was time to put all my theoretical tools(I read/watch way too many interviews and behind the scenes kind of thing. But my absolute favourites are when the actors talk about their character and how they become the character. Wardrobe is majorly important!!!) to practical usage.

I'd like to clarify right up that my character is just a secondary/supporting cast for this video, but still, I love immersing myself and giving it my best shot, no matter how small or large the role was.

As a writer, details and character development came easily enough to me. In fact, I think trying to wrap my head around this character really honed my brain to grasp on to the "show, don't tell" aspect of it all.

I didn't have a lot of lines for yesterday's scene(thank goodness for that, actually. I had to ad lib at one point and i basically told my "son" to "go make nice friends.... and... stuff." Motherly i am not.), so it all came down to the minute actions and details.

Smoothing his shirt, fixing his hair, lingering touches, and basically a lot of "wistful looking" at my son and/or husband.


Which brings me to today's blog post.

What's with all the wistfully looking about?

I'd like to think that I'm a modern, liberal, independent young woman. I don't take crap from most people, and when I'm forced to take said crap, it's normally tied to reasons relating to tradition, or the chinese culture, or respect.

But then why did I automatically become this supporting-in-a-submissive-way character the moment I tried to play this "motherly mom" character?

Why must our society mould us all into thinking that good mothers are the quiet, in-the-backgroud wistfully looking about type of mothers? No one forced me to do it, but that was just the way all our minds thought. It was subtle, but we all still have this typical-family concept in our head that makes my inner feminist jump up and down in rage frustration.

Why are men allowed to pursue careers and other opportunities, earn the title of being "successful", and then start a family if they want to. Sure, there are a number of men who start their family and then pursue further advancements, bearing the responsibility of being the breadwinner and ensuring no one went hungry under their roof. Yadda yadda yadda.

Try reversing the gender in that situation.

No matter how high a woman has climbed in the career/social ladder, in the back of everyone's mind, she's not really successful, because she doesn't have a family. Sure, she's had amazing achievements under her belt, but she can't really be happy, or she can't really be considered spectacular because she doesn't have a husband and/or children.

Women are "obligated" to put family before career. Yes, we have a biological body clock that no one is to be blamed for, and that doesn't really help our situation.

When women graduate, sure, we're expected to go get a job, and pursue our careers, but then you hit a certain age where everyone expects you to begin settling down, get married, or start having children. Stay home, put your career on pause, or just be happy with where you are in your job - let your husband focus on pursuing his career - you should be the good little wife and take care of the family, just do your basic 9-5 job.

What more could you want out of life? You have a beautiful little family with your white picket fence and the 2.5children - you should be satisfied with life. Be happy. Take care of your family, work a little, and go fix your husband a sandwich.


Going back to the quotes (and here's the barb you feminists are waiting for), a great man needs/can have a woman by his side/behind him/waiting on the other side of the doors. But a great woman needs no one else. Only coffee. ;p But it's also because if said woman actually had a man by her side, she wouldn't be great. People would just automatically assume that she's just riding on his tailcoats. Women have to do it all by themselves or else the credits go to their not-so-fair counterparts.


Now, I know some people aren't bound by the "norms" I have stated above, but from what I can see, this picture is the one most of us are looking at. I'm not trying to convince everyone that this is what it's like in the real world, but it is my personal opinion. Please keep in mind that I'm not trying to force this opinion upon anyone. 

Public Holidays FTdubs.

Long weekends FTW :)

Today is Monday and it's a national holiday in Russia, so: LONG WEEKEND. Woot woots!

I know most of you think "it's just another public holiday, what's the big deal?" but as a university student in Russia, let me tell you, IT'S A FRIGGIN' BIG DEAL OKAY.

Malaysia is a multicultural country. Guess what that means. LOTS OF HOLIDAYS. We celebrate so many different new years. We have 2 different dates for celebrations relating to Malaysia's Independence. The YDPA's birthday and Agong's birthday are both celebrated. I've followed both Selangor's and KL's federal holidays' calendar. And most importantly, we've got a whole slew of religious public holidays. Christmas, Deepavali, Thaipusam, Wesak, Awal Muharam, Prophet Muhammad's birthday, Nuzul Al Quran, Hari Raya Aidilfitri AND Hari Raya Haji. Other states have Gawai and stuff. Needless to say, the list goes on.

School holidays are were awesome, and we got four breaks in a year. The only long one's at the end of the year, but at least there are mid term and mid year breaks.

I get a pathetically timed winter break (seriously, everyone else have just returned to their studies and we're only beginning ours?! It's impossible to travel with my friends studying in other european countries!) and a summer break that's Much shorter than all my friends' studying on different continents. What gives?!

I went and googled the number of public holidays per year in Malaysia and Russia, just to compare. Selangor/KL has about 19 days off, school breaks notwithstanding.

Guess how many days off we get in Russia.
12 days.

Twelve measley days. And we don't even get decent school breaks to make up for it.

This is why public holidays have become so important to me. They're so rare and precious! I cherish them more than you can imagine. I think the same will repeat when I begin working. Le Sigh.

On a side note, while I was going through the list of public holidays in Malaysia, I got hit with the thought of how ludicrous and ridiculous it was to have another public holiday thrown in for the past few years. September 16, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, I'm talking about Malaysia Day.

Malaysia Day feels like a joke to me. What, National Day / Merdeka isn't enough for you? How is Malaysia Day different from Merdeka? Okay fine, I guess if you really want to be technical about it, Sabah and Sarawak didn't join "us" until September or something. (Hope I'm remembering my history facts correctly. I apologize to my sejarah teachers for returning all that information back to you the moment I graduated high school.)

Malaysia Day became a national holiday in 2010. We gained independence in 1957. So for 53 years, celebrating Merdeka on it's own was enough, but all of a sudden we need to make Malaysia Day a national holiday as well? I'm sure the students are more than happy to get yet another holiday, but since I've been living in Moscow these past few years, I've never celebrated Malaysia Day. Not that I / most of the peers from my generation celebrate Merdeka per se, but I've never gone through the whole "Malaysia Day is a National Holiday" thing. What do you do? What does the country do? Are there parades? Do they put up flags etc?

At times like these I really feel disconnected from my country. When I return in the summer for my break, I'm met with fads and trends that don't even make sense to me. Who are these people and why's their thinking so strange?! I mean, I still get Malaysian humour and our rojak language etc; I still appreciate the beauty in that aspect of our culture, but for every year I spend abroad, the gap just gets wider.
IS THIS WHAT A GENERATION GAP FEELS LIKE?!
The saddest part (to me) is that this gap isn't only between me and my country, but I experience it with my family as well. They have their own lives and I'm like the weirdo outsider/black sheep looking in.

Wow.

That thought came out of nowhere.

Since I'm not in the mood to go down that dark twisty road (shocker, I know) I'd like to focus on my current life here in Moscow.

We get 12 public holidays in a year.

Jan 1-5 are New Year Holidays, and Jan 7 is Christmas. (It's the Russian orthodox christmas, and yes, we have classes and tests as usual on Dec 25th, and no, there's no christmas celebration spirit in December. Weird, I know. Deal with it.) But I guess we get a mini break here because the university/schools(?) generally give students Jan1-10 off. Then we've got exams until winter break. Wheee. So it's more like a study break. There goes your holiday mood, flying out the window like a pancake during Maslenitsa.

Feb 23 is Defenders of the Fatherland Day or Men's day, March 8 is Women's day.

Two days off in May. Labour day and Victory day (May 9).

June 12 is Russia Day and last but not least, National Unity Day on Nov 4.

THAT'S IT.

I just realized that there's no more holiday for the rest of this year. The next holiday will be New Years. :(

Don't really get culturally diverse holidays here, which is a bummer for Malaysians. But there are celebrations down in Arbat Street for St Patricks's Day etc and there's Easter as well, but they're all normal working/school days. Bummer again. Maslenitsa doesn't get a public holiday either. It's basically Pancake Week here in Russia, so I understand it being a bit "much" to have the week off to celebrate/welcome spring, but c'mon, at least give us a day off! I do enjoy making pancakes and flinging them out the window though, so I guess that kinda makes up for the lack of a day off a little. Just a little. Oooo, I'll be flinging a pancake from the 12th floor this coming spring. I think it's the highest I'll have ever flung a pancake from. Should be fun.

CBGB. OMFUG.

CBGB. 

It's not really the genre of movie that I usually watch, but I decided to give it a try after all the promotion done by the Castle fans, and of course, the amazing line up of actors involved with the film didn't hurt. 

Before I delve into the movie, I'm gonna take a moment and just type this. OMFG Stana Fckin Katic. Braless, Edgy, Kick-ass Punk-Rock and right up there in your face. 

I shall try to keep my creepy fangirling to a minimal and refrain from spewing said thoughts here. 

So, the movie. 

I really like the grittiness of it all. Their mindset and how punk-rock came to existence. The unapologetic attitude and doing something because fuck the rest of the world, you want to do something and you'll damn well do it!

I did not expect to be able to relate to this movie at all. After all, it was set in New York in the 60s/70s? I'm a 90s kid who's never even been remotely close to the States, never mind NYC. 

Anyway, the one part that really struck me was the argument Lisa (played by Ashley Greene) was having with Hilly, her father (played by Alan Rickman). 

Hilly: "You gotta spend money to make money."

Lisa: "You gotta have money to spend money to make money. And since you spend all the money you make, you don’t have any money to spend, so you might wanna think about saving the money you make instead of spending the money you make."

Another part of the movie that got me riled up was towards the end, when one of the members of the Dead Boys got stabbed, and the rest of them went to Hilly, in the end he chucked a bunch of money to Genya and told them to deal with it because he's not their father. 

At which I promptly yelled at my screen, oh you finally noticed that, did you?! 

Yeah, I was totally feeling for Lisa. 

He may have been the godfather of punk, taken care of a whole bunch of people, and I'm sure the world is eternally grateful for his contribution to the music industry, but he was a helluva crappy father. Just sayin'.

Because when you wake at 5am and the first facebook post you see screws you over..

Friendship. More like fuckship.

Because that’s what happens to you, right? Your “friends” fuck you over all the time. And normally you’d know better; you’d protect yourself, but that’s the thing isn’t it. Betrayal and hurt comes when you least expect it. And they hurt the worst, because of how unprepared you feel in the aftermath.

So I guess the jokes on me, right? Because hey, congratufuckinglations, you pulled a quick one over the private school kid. You must be so proud of yourself, huh?

In my defense, I can take care of myself and guard my back against backstabbing bitches that you expect to find in private schools, I just wasn’t expecting this nest of snakes here. Because you look at how nice and naïve and noble and nondescript they are, and you think to yourself, oh how adorable. Guessed I missed out on nasty, nauseating, needy, negligent, neurotic, and nosy. Besides, you hardly expect this kind of betrayal from your best friends.

I salute you, for how low you can stoop. Actually, scratch that. You’re not stooping at all, are you? Because come to think of it, I’ve seen you do this, in fact, all your online acquaintance has seen you do this with your (ex) boyfriend. (On a side note, what the fuck is going on? Are you back on? Are you on a break? Actually, which guy is it right now? Kinda hard to keep track.) Real classy and mature of you. And to think that we’re all adults here.

Don’t start a war that you can’t win, missy.

I could stoop down to your level, and play your dirty little games, full of deceit and lies and poison, but I’m better than that.

But don’t think that you can trample all over me.

I’m sticking two fat middle fingers up your face.

One when I claim ownership to being the subject of your facebook status update. Because if you don’t have the balls to call me up on it, I’ll just fucking do you a favor and own up to it.

And one more, with this blog post. This is different from your passive-aggressive cowardice on facebook because one, I’m not putting this up for all our online acquaintances to see – if someone stumbles upon this post, they made the effort to come visit a blog which I update sporadically, at best, and two, it’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

So here’s a big old Fuck You.

Silver screen adaptations of books and what I think of them.

Been ages since I last blogged, but it's a pretty busy summer so far. Anyway, I watched Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters last night (Nathan Fillion. Eeeeep!) and once more I'm confronted with an issue I feel strongly about time and again.

Movie adaptations of novels.

Whyyyyyyyyyy?!

They more often than not disappoint the original fans. Yes, you heard me. Original fans. You know, the people who've read and fallen in love with the characters long before Hollywood sunk their talons and converted said characters into money churning figures.

Harry potter. Twilight. His dark materials. Hunger games. Da vinci code. Percy jackson. Narnia chronicles. Eragon. My sisters keeper. The whole chunk of Nicholas Sparks' works.

Most of them sucked. (Only exception in my personal opinion, was the lotr trilogy. Ive read the books, and I think the movie did pretty well.) Some even turned me off, rendering me incapable of loving the characters due to the actors' portrayal, casting choice, director's style, or most commonly, the mainstream fans that hopped on board last minute that just give the rest of us a bad rep. Twihards I'm looking at you.


Why do authors allow screen adaptations of their books?
After all the hard work and effort you put in, tweaking storylines and characters, you're just willing to trade them in for a 2D, shallow version of themselves? Because surely, things get changed and cut out when they're transferred from paper to the silver screen.

Back stories are left out, hell, some characters don't even make the cut. How do the people watching the movie without prior knowledge of the book, appreciate the little nuances and decisions that don't get explained onscreen?

This particularly irked me as the Percy Jackson movie finished yesterday. Even if you can ignore the fact that they allude Luke gets eaten by the cyclops, they failed to mention that it was Luke's plan all along for the fleece to get to thalia's tree so that she would have been "ejected" by the tree, thus making Percy not the only person the prophecy could allude to. It was a friggin genius plan. An evil genius' plan. And Hollywood failed to mention that.

Besides, more often than not, the looks of the characters are best left to our own imagination. Blondes become brunettes. Hotties become constipated sparkly things. (yes, I really hate the twilight franchise now)

Is the money and pay really so well that authors are willing to compromise the quality of their work to get a larger audience? And at what cost?

Of the hundreds of thousands of people that watch the movies, only a handful will actually end up reading the book. How they can *not* want to read the book is beyond me. And yet I see it time and again with my siblings and friends, so to each their own I guess.

But no.

I can't let it go.

I don't have a problem with people who read the books after hollywood made it popular, be it during the whole promoting hype for the movie phase or after they've watched the movie. I personally prefer and try to finish the book(s) before the movie comes out. But whatever.

What I CANNOT stand, are fans who "loveeeee" the franchise (because honestly, and rather sadly, everything's reduced to a franchise nowadays) and yet don't know the canon details. The little quirks and backstories that make the characters so characteristically *them*. They don't know about the hardships that the characters have gone through. They don't understand why sometimes a character is forced to make a certain decision. It's not OOC. you just don't understand why it makes them *in-character*.

And you don't deserve to enjoy it. You're not worthy of the story. There. I've said it.


Okay,okay, don't come after me brandishing swords or brooms. I admit that im getting a little ahead of myself. I just haven't written in quite some time and it all just come out in a rambling blubber. So just indulge me this once. And if you hate my opinion so much, just ignore it. I'm pretty sure I'll stumble onto this post and laugh at myself and the thoughts I've had anyway.

Cheers. 

Theory of Relativity

Three days. 

Three days till I board the plane, home bound yet again. Three days till i get a freedom of sorts.

All that stands between me and that plane ride is a test tomorrow and finals the day after. 

Yet here i am, procrastinating as i let time tick by. Tick Tock Tick Tock the clock's a-ticking but i don't care. 

I rationalize and justify to myself that blogging/writing is the lesser of two evils. If i give in to my Sloth who knows how long i'll just lay in bed. 

Writing it is.

Why blog? Why not start working on the second chapter of my fluff piece? Or why not edit the hell out of the first chapter of my angst fic? I'll tell you why - because i'm self-absorbed and i decree that it is time to indulge myself. Hah!

Besides, i'm more likely to spend less time writing out this blog post as compared to the other two. 

In other news, i've recently gotten twitter :) I realize that i'm super late in joining the band wagon, but i don't mind because the "weak ones" have been "weeded out", leaving only people who really use twitter around. Less spammy than facebook. And although i've only gotten twitter a little over a week ago, i'm hooked onto it. Yes, i admit that i'm one of those people who use twitter to pseudo-stalk hollywood celebrities, but i follow the world news too, which i've never done before. But one of the highlights have got to be discovering the niche of Castle fans on twitter. And it's great to use twitter to interact with all these people because my twitter account is new and more importantly, not linked to facebook so there's that distance that enables me to keep my privacy intact. :)

I'm also learning more and more about Word and it's function. There are actually a lot of functions that we just overlook and never bother to learn. But now that i'm discovering all these new functions, i get all nerdy and excited. I think i should be slightly ashamed for being so lame? 

But seriously, how can you not find some of the features cool? Page break was convenient, but section break was an eye opener with all the formatting tweaks etc with different parts of the whole document. And when your document runs more than a hundred pages long, you'll really appreciate learning to use section break. The latest thing that i've recently discovered (just last night, in fact) is tracking changes. I did my own research, looked it up on the internet and watched tutorials to learn how it works but i've yet to use it in real life. Can't wait to try that out :)

And now i'm bored.

Under the Gun

Stand up.

Get up, and Fight. Your work isn't done yet.

Even when your loved ones tell you to take it easy, you need to Push for it. Fight for it because you know you can do So much better. Now's not the time to give up and it sure as hell isn't the time to give in. Not yet.


Yes, i steal lines here and there from tv series that i like and use it in everyday life. G.A.C. (guilty as charged).

Hi. My name is Amanda and I have the mentality and emotional range of a teenager.

Summer. Bloody. Fucking. Summer.
The word alone stirs up mixed emotions.

'Tis turning more and more into a curse rather than a blessing with each passing day.

Oh fucking summer. Glorious summer, You herald promises of sunshine and fun. It means going home. Back to my family, back to my homeland. Back to a place with food! Such glorious food!

Malaysia.

I've escaped your grasp. Fled far away from your gnarly talons. Absence casts a softening glow to my memories of you.

But where the glow doesn't reach are dark recesses. Oh so many dark recesses that I've forgotten. But my past is always there. Ready to pounce forth at any moment. 

I've forgotten about the emotional baggage. The issues and the darkness. But they never forget about me. Always watching, prepared to be dredged up when I least expect it. They exhilarate at the thought of catching me unawares, when I am most vulnerable.

No matter how much I think I've grown; or how far I think I've come, the thought of going back brings the old me straight back. Up front and center, in the spotlight.

My insecurities never went away. My problems were never resolved.

The mere thought of these alone are enough to reduce me to the swearing, dark and twisty teenage Amanda. The one who blasts Avril Lavigne circa early/mid 2000 to drown out the world.

Congratu-fucking-lations. I'm still as pathetic and broken as you've beat me into. I guess some things just never change huh.

No I’m not fucking fine. Nothings “fine” with me. There’s no such thing as fine. Fine is fucking overrated. It is a state of being that I cannot find. Or even if I do find it, it fucking lasts for a very brief period, and I’m back to my fucked up self.

Why can’t you fucking leave me alone? Is my being content such a horrifying thought to you that each time I think I’ve moved to a better state of being, you have to just muck everything up. You dredge up old issues and make me resort back into the fucking messed up teenager that I was. That I apparently still am.

.... And you just can’t accept that, can you? Well fuck you. Take your fucking two cents and shove it up your fucking ass.

.... Yes, my mother will protect me from the worst of it, and she’ll do her best to accommodate me, but I know that she’s getting the crap end from the others so how can I in good conscience put her in that tough spot?

.... Let me warn you. I’m fucking childish. I’ve done so many things that I normally wouldn’t do just to spite some people and tell them to stick it. Keep harping on me and I will fucking turn off my rational side and go on a fucking spree like the selfish little brat that you’ve apparently caricatured me into. 

All the other fuckers my age can go out whenever the fuck they want, at whatever fucking time they want. If my parents don’t give me a strict curfew, who the fuck are you to enforce one? No one fucking asked you to meddle on behalf of my parents. Fuck all you fuckers.

Sod off fuckers, and stick it. 

you did well, kiddo!

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To my amazing children, 

When I was born, it was all about me. My parents loved each other, and a product of that love was bringing me into this world. For the longest time, it was all about me. 

Then I met your father, and eventually we ended up together. The axis of my life shifted. 

Now, the statement changed from "What about me?" to "What about us?" We were two different people with different opinions who now had to adjust our goals and direction. Will love and understanding prevail through strife and turmoil? Luckily for us, the answer to that was "Yes".

But now comes a different phase in my life. 

The greatest and most amazing aspect of life is bringing another life into this world. Becoming a parent, caring for your children, brings out emotions and feelings that you have never felt before. 

My axis shifted yet again.

The statement changed once more, from "What about us?" to "What about them?"

How quickly the cycle of me turns to the cycle of you. 

My greatest hope as your mother is that you will be able to go through all these phases throughout your own life, with the person you truly love, just like I have. 

burnin' up

So I posted a new story about two and a half hours ago. So far, i've got 18reviews and more than 650hits. For someone who's ecstatic to get more than 10 reviews a chapter, 18 reviews in merely 2.5 hours has me (kinda) over the moon.

So my reviews have all been mainly positive, but there are a few negative ones out there, and i'm fine with that. But i can't help but notice some users who voice the same thing over and over again in different stories.

When will something be considered con-crit?  and how do you differentiate it from flaming?

It's harsh when you put up your work for the world to scrutinize. obviously not everyone is going to like it, and i'm fine with that, especially since i'm starting to enjoy toeing the line and venturing into the grey area.

when i write something, obviously i write it in a certain way because that's my personal opinion. everyone's entitled to their own POV. if someone has a conflicting opinion with mine, by all means, bring it up, challenge me, we can talk it out or whatever, i don't mind discussing and exchanging opinions. but sometimes at the end of the day, we just have to agree to disagree.

saying something is full of crap is just... childish.

you bring up the same running issue time and again. she's unreasonable, yadda yadda yadda. well, maybe i find it easier to side with the female because i am one, and i can relate to certain issues.

have you ever considered that you've always sided with the male because you are a male too? i'm not playing the sexist card, but us girls are more sensitive to each other and certain things.

no matter how flipping drop dead gorgeous a girl is, every one of us have body image issues. the only difference is how big a deal it is to each individual.

of course we're going to say that things are fine even when its not. what else are we supposed to do? we're wired that way.

it's natural for us to feel insecure at times. yes, we sometimes acquire more reassurances so if you can't deal with that, go find that one special girl that's different or go get yourself a nice dude.

criticize me on my writing style. or on my approach to themes. or how i sometimes don't realize if i'm writing in simple past or past perfect and even some present tense all at the same time. and if i'm not typing out something on microsoft word, go ahead and bash me for relying on auto-capitalization.

don't pick a fight with me because of how i choose to interpret a character's opinion. I'll take your input into consideration, but please, if you're going through all my work to pick on the same person, do us both a favor and stop reading.

no one's forcing you to read. no one's holding a gun to your head. so why don't you just walk away. 


Ps. yes, this is my way of standing up to bullies. i just haven't figured out how to say it to their faces yet, but at least this way, i fell like i'm giving them a piece of my mind. baby steps and small comfort, you know?

election fever

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As people elsewhere on Earth celebrate Cinco de Mayo, the rakyat of Malaysia face our 13^th General Election.

Growing up, I had never been interested in the politics of my country. We had neither war nor famine; things were pretty fine as it was. Even when I entered my teens, politics had never been a topic that came up in discussions with my friends. My dad’s half of the family kept up with the news, but that was it. I tuned out whenever politics was brought up because I didn’t know these people or what they did.

I was in my final year of high school during the previous general election. There had been rumblings and issues were stirring up in the months preceding the election. When the opposition party won over a surprising amount of votes, everyone was thrown in a loop. The rakyat rejoiced upon discovering that yes, we could make a difference and make a stand. For the very first time, we had truly shaken BN to their core.

Years went by, and here we are now.

For the very first time, I was truly excited for Malaysia’s general election. In the months leading up to this election, a myriad of issues were brought to the attention of the rakyat.

See, the government may stifle our voices in the newspaper, radio, talk shows, and even news networks, but one media has managed to become a major platform for voicing our opinions – the internet.

Facebook and twitter gave us information – untainted information – from both parties practically instantaneously. Rallies and gatherings were planned and the word spread like wild bush fires.

Most importantly, it got us youths interested in politics. My bubble of ignorance was finally popped. Maybe it was because I was finally approaching a voting age. Maybe it was because my parents’ problems and the rakyat’s problems have become my problems too.

Regardless of the reasons, I tuned in to check with the results of the general election. To my surprise and joy, I wasn’t the only one affected by this political awareness. My friends were all talking about it. My sister and her friends were talking about it too. It seemed as though everyone was talking about it.

I had multiple windows opened with live result updates and discussions going on with my family and cousins.

As the results slowly trickled in, we waited on the edges of our seats, clicking the refresh button even though the websites came with auto-refresh features.

Way too many hours later, our dreams were absolutely crushed. The disappointment started slowly.

Foreigners were allegedly brought into the country and given Identity Cards (ICs) just so they could vote for BN. My own mother has been in this country for more than twenty five years and she still can’t vote but someone who has been in my country for a mere two days can suddenly vote?

The “Indelible” ink used wasn’t really indelible at all because it had to be “halal”.

Blackouts occurred at counting stations where the opposition had strong leads. Lo and behold, the opposition loses in the end when additional ballot boxes are miraculously found.

To be honest, I didn’t expect the opposition party to win the parliament. They would win states over, yes, but the parliament would be tricky to win over, especially since Sarawak gave BN a strong win with multiple parliament seats from the very beginning.

But for the first few hours, it was a pretty tight race, with the opposition party behind by only about ten seats or so. There was still hope. The rakyat held out for that hope. We were all waiting in anticipation.

More hours passed and the general results were in.

Many people were disappointed and outraged. They felt cheated by this election.

We did not “topple” the government, but tonight was no small achievement either. Change does not come easily. It is not a revolution that occurs overnight. It may feel like we’re taking baby steps, and maybe we are, but what happened tonight was no small feat. There has been progress made.

80% of voters turned up to vote, and this is a record high for Malaysia.

Political awareness has swept through the country like never before.

I see the Malaysian youths take a pro-active stance in our country’s politics and I have to feel proud of this achievement.

The rakyat banded together and made a stand. 

We have loss, yes, but this isn’t the end of the road. We are merely paving the road for a better future.

Many people are demanding actions to be taken or roaming around the streets with parangs. Heck, a whole bunch of people and starting petitions to get the UN or even America involved.

Sleep over it. Don’t do anything rash. Let the dust settle before we try to tackle these problems.

Getting outsiders to interfere is not the way we should settle this. Seriously, we do not need history to repeat itself. Remember when we asked the British for help? Look how well that turned out for our past Sultans. We need to stand together as a nation and face our own problems.

The disappointing events have nearly turned me away from politics but I have faith in the rakyat. We need to stand strong proceed from here. We do what we can in the next five years because every little progress counts.

And at the end of the five years, we, the rakyat, will face the 14^th general election, more prepared than ever.  

pop!

why do we have this incessant need to fix everything? sometimes it's better to leave things good and broken...

the moment we see something that doesn't meet our expectation or if something throws us in for a loop; the moment we notice that tiny mistake or the small imperfection, we reach out to fix it or to hide the blemish under layers of what is more pleasing to our eye.

we think of solutions; reach for the liquid paper; some even go so far as to change their recollection of events so that what remains is a more pleasing memory - the edges blurred out as a soft light casts a hazy glow onto the subjects of said memory. 

but isn't it necessary to let things simmer sometimes? just let it sit and see what happens. 

if our parents rushed over to pick us up every time we fell when learning to walk, none of us would be standing on our own two feet now. 

if the hero doesn't suffer in misery before conquering his demons, the story wouldn't be as captivating as it is. 

if everything is smooth sailing in a relationship in general, we wouldn't experience the elation from triumphs when they came. 

where is this coming from? well it's nothing personal from my mundane life. just an observation that i happened to make today.

i guess that's why i'm such a sucker for angst. i'm referring to the urban dictionary definition of angst.

"Angst, often confused with anxiety, is a transcendent emotion in that it combines the unbearable anguish of life with the hopes of overcoming this seemingly impossible situation. Without the important element of hope, then the emotion is anxiety, not angst. Angst denotes the constant struggle one has with the burdens of life that weighs on the dispossessed and not knowing when the salvation will appear."

unbearable anguish indeed. 

throw in a glimmer of hope for overcoming a seemingly impossible situation and you've more or less got me: hook, line and sinker.

Angst and UST(unresolved sexual tension), eventually turning into fluff and RST(resolved sexual tension), 'natch. Just my cup of tea ;)

reading and writing: always and forevermore, my long love..

i like transforming thoughts into words.

putting pen to paper. the staccato as my fingers hit the keyboard.

playing with the words. changing them around, mixing things up and seeing what i can create from there.

i'd like to be able to take something from my mind - my thoughts - and mold them into words, put them to paper and make it something substantial for another person.

i don't write to please others. i do it to please myself. and if it pleases someone else at the same time, then that's just an added bonus. i have drafts written on loose sheets of paper, plot bunnies hastily transferred to my notebooks, a witty or well-crafted line scribbled here and there. and it just continues to grow.

i do believe my growing love of writing is tightly linked to my everlasting love of reading.


i loved reading as a kid. i still do. just for those few hours, i could escape to another world, leave reality behind as it dissolves into nothingness and immerse myself in a different universe. a place with hope and magic; a place my inner romantic could surface; a place with it's own set of rules.

ebooks and the internet and pdfs are great, but nothing beats holding a solid book in your hands. the experience is just different.

the musty smell of Dragonlance books. the dodgy stain on a book cover. the beloved creases in the paperback's spine. the hastily folded dog ears in the corner of a page. the long forgotten perfume-sample bookmark. the scribbles and notes in the books' margin. the comforting weight in your hand.

i have to admit that my lack of accessibility to printed books have made me enjoy reading slightly less.


hence i have turned to writing. sometimes escaping to another person's world isn't enough. sometimes you have to go out there and create your own world. build your own reality. immerse yourself within a character.

and maybe, just maybe, for that short hour or so, you become someone else. you get to decide anything and everything. it's exhilarating. there's not much else in the world that can top this feeling.

and it feels so liberating.

right side coming back up

hello beautiful world :) so sometimes things just creep up onto you and gives you a nice, pleasant, genuine, surprise. 

so i've been depressed the past few days, maybe longer, but anyway i was stuck in a pretty dark place. and being depressed is depressing, and that just makes me even more depressed. its a brutal cycle. 

to make things worse, i was perfectly fine with being depressed. i didnt want to snap out of it, i didnt want to get over my depression. 

i went for a much needed break to starbucks with a friend of mine yesterday, and we talked for ages. i was still depressed and was still fine with being depressed, but i think it made me feel slightly better nonetheless. 

after that i got home, sat my ass down and studied for my test. i went for the test just now, feeling really prepared. for the very first time something felt good. 

now i realize what i was missing. i miss the thrill of knowing all the answers to my teachers' questions. i miss studying and being prepared for class beforehand. i miss formulating my own theories and making the link between theory and practical. i miss being a nerd. 

anyway, i could answer the questions for my test, and everything went smoothly. as i was gathering my things, my teacher gave me this really bright smile. i think i've probably been harbouring a minor crush on my teacher ;p how could i not? she's pretty, young and gorgeous, wears knee length boots, has big hair(in a good way), dresses impeccably stylo('natch for a russian), and her grasp of the english language i dare say is pretty decent if not exemplary plus she's got that cute accent thing going on. 

i walked home alone, strolling along at my own leisurely pace. with the sun in my face and a slight spring in my step, who cares if the melting snow are making rivulets of streams at places? i had fun jumping about :) ain't no puddles gonna spoil my mood!

sometimes we really do need to just slow down to smell the flowers.

solitude isn't such a bad thing sometimes. you can let your thoughts roam free and bound from place to place. 

but when i need company, i know i've got the best friends i could ever ask for. they're wonderful human beings that make me want to put in more effort and better myself for them. so that i can be as good a friend to them as they have been to me. i really love you guys to bits and pieces <3

somewhere in my mind's eye i can imagine my dance teacher saying "prepare". you suck in your tummy; tuck down your butt; pull your body up; rib cage in; shoulders down; long neck; head poised to one side; arms nice and long with rounded elbows in bras bas; relax those fingertips; tighten you leg muscles; and turn out your feet. 

you take a breath in preparation. 

the pianist's fingers poise over the keys or your teacher holds a finger above the 'play' button. 

the command is given as a clear "and" resounds throughout the studio.

the music begins.

I take the plunge forward.

Perspective

how do you find something lost that was never really found in the first place?

what do you do to cope when the only solution you can think of is to pay for something that shouldn't be bought?

who do you turn to when you know you're the only one that's able to help yourself but you don't think that you're strong enough?

where do you go for solitude if it's not to be found for miles and miles away?

when is the right time to take a pause and step back, really figure out what you're doing with your life?

why do these thoughts always come at inopportune moments?



and on that note, nananananananana batman! i just wanna go hole up in a cave. 

S.

smothering. its just an additional alphabet from mothering. but when does mothering become smothering?

i know it can't be easy to be my mother. i'm too temperamental and question too many things. my thoughts jump around too quickly, flitting from one topic to another within seconds. i have mood swings out of the blue, feeling disgruntled one moment and happy as a lark the next.

i can only pray that any future children of mine won't be as bad as i am now. but then again, what goes around comes back around.

blurb.

Sarcasm. 

The slightly finer art of subtly insulting a person to his face. The tragedy of the situation manifests itself in the form of insipid individuals who fail to grasp the concept. It is an art form, honed over years with quick reflexes and rapier wit. Verbally disarming an opponent without the necessity of resorting to blows, stooping to the level of street ragamuffins.

- written in class on a prompt while waiting for pat. anat. to begin.

Back to November..?

 So i really appreciated all the support i got in november, and i (probably) wouldn't have been able to finish NaNoWriMo without all the support hence here is my thank you. 

Much as i hate people reading what i wrote (blogging aside), i know many people have asked me over and over again if they could read my novel. thank you for your patience in waiting all these months. i am sorta kinda cringing as i present it to you guys. 

Few things about my novel you should know. 

1. It's a fanfiction. if you don't know what that is, bless you, poor soul, go google it. 

2. It's a Castle fanfiction. So i know many people probably don't follow Castle, but i love it to bits and pieces. it's probably the one show i really fangirl over. Go watch it if you haven't. Go! but for those of you who won't watch it because you don't have the time or whatever, it's basically this best selling author (Rick Castle) who shadows a detective (Kate Beckett) and her team.

3. I completed it months ago, but i'm only editing it now, so i'll probably post chapters weekly as i go.

4. Review! If you liked it, a little encouragement goes a long way :) if you don't, i can take con-crit. that's how we improve. If you have an ff account, you could log in to review, otherwise you could just review anonymously or review under a fake name -- whatever strikes your fancy, really, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would review :) 

 So here's the summary on ff.net :- 

AU. Seems our detective has been keeping a secret all these years. Watch what happens when Castle finds out Beckett has a daughter and how they move on from there. Caskett.

Without further ado, i present to you Second Chance.

*scurries and hides somewhere

Some Nights

boo. i'm back :)

since i have a date with masha tmr and i'm probably gonna come home really emo and depressed, i'm gonna take this chance to let out whatever positive energy i have left in me. 

my winterbreak / euro-trip was f*cktastically awesome. will blog about that in detail in a few posts to come. i loveeeee europe. pretty people to see; prettier places to go <3 

thanks to moscow, i have no problem walking around and that's great, because in my opinion, that's the best way to discover a city :)

as a malaysian, it goes without saying that we love food. 

i'm so grateful that my mom parents sent me for dance and piano lessons since i was a kid, so i could really appreciate that as well. one memory that stands out was during a pipe organ concert at the St. Stephan's Basilica. they were performing a piece that i wasn't familiar with. however, i could try to guess which era it was from by its style and dynamics etc. going so far as to venture a guess as to who the composer might be, i checked the program listings, and Boo-YAH! i was right! wham bam double slam baby! Okay fine, so Bach is probably the first (and maybe only?) prominent composer that comes to mind when you think of baroque music, but i havent touched anything piano related in years, so i count it as an achievement that i still remembered some things ;)

three things that i really need to brush up on though. 

1. world history and geography. seriously, it's not funny how little we learn about the rest of the world. we spend so many years learning over and over and over again about malaysia and yes, i do agree it is borderlinely important-ish and it instills patriotism and all that nonsense but at the end of the day, i'm embarrassed by how little i know of the rest of the world.

2. architecture. SO many pretty buildings and sculptures. all i can do, is go "ooooooooo. prettyyyyyyyy." i know realistically i wont be able to learn about architecture as much as i would like, but i'd like to at least be able to know some distinguishing features from different eras etc. like how i recognized my music ;p

3. art. there are tons of museums Everywhere! alas, art museums aren't really malaysians' cup of tea, so i dont think i entered any. just saw a few exhibitions here and there i guess. i dont wanna turn into a pretentious hoity-toity snoot, but what's the harm in visiting a few galleries and looking at a few art works? even though as of now i know zilch about art. i know we learnt about art styles and stuff back in form 3, but who remembers that anyway? after this trip though, i do know that a fresco is painted on a wet surface, whereas a secco is done on a dry wall. 

oh and glass stained windows? they blow my mind away every. single. time. one good thing about being ignorant is that each time i enter a church or building or whatever, i get blown away easily. like some of my friends that have been to the vatican city says that everthing else pales in comparison. but i'm glad that in my naivete, i get to have my breath stolen over and over again ;)

wow. that was long. and here i was, hoping to just write a short blurp about my euro trip. moving on. happy chinese new year everyone :) yes, i do realize that it's already the second day of CNY, but please excuse my blur-ness. my whole family is off for a vacation somewhere in thailand, so my connection to CNY is pretty much gone. dont know when i'll be able to start celebrating again though. when my paternal grandma passed away, we were told that we couldnt celebrate CNY for three years. no word on my mom's side though... if they're not pantang, then i guess we can start celebrating the following year.. 

i am loathe to put away my laptop and go to bed because 1. i cough like a decrepit old woman whenever i lie down and 2. that means i have to prepare for tomorrow :(

ice skating and the cirque

so today was in a word, exhaustingggg. but so worth it haha... here's my outfit of the day, including a matching hat :)

 since we were going ice skating, i brought my skates along... they just happen to match my charm bracelet :)

see the similarities? ;p

and i'm off!

it was such a lovely sunny day! i couldn't resist snapping a pic with Zi as we headed out. 

the sun was so glaringly bright!

here's a better pic with us in the shade...

sparkly snow! the ground sparkles nicer than edward cullen. haha

we eventually got to our destination. skates on!

wheeee my skates are prettier ;p

Sabrina, Zi Ying, Yuen Xing and myself. Elise was being a dummy and didnt skate

love love loved the sun

So after skating, we lepak-ed a little (as malaysians are apt to do) before rushing back to yugo. Sabrina and i had a date with Cirque Du Soleil!

Michael Jackson baby! wootwoots. Opening night! double wootwoots. there were sooooooo many people... the place was hugeeeeee. the pic on the bottom left was taken from the stairs of the second balcony O.o

Anyway, it was worth every ruble i paid. in my opinion the first half moved a little slowly, but there were a few favorites. the second half was just mind blowing. i have no words. it was just so amazingggg. 

So after the show ended we trudged back to the metro and returned to yugo. while we were taking the short cut back, i noticed that there was no one else around. the dungu that i was am decided it would be awesome to jump into the fluffy, shiny blanket of smooth snow. 

notice how i'm not wearing any gloves. and the real feel for the temperature was -19celcius. the moment i got out of the snow, my fingertips literally turned white and began hurting. and me being the dungu that i am decided to jump into the snow a rather long distance away from the hostel. i could barely bend my fingers to get the blood circulation starting. it was so bloody painfullllll. by the time i reached the fourth floor i could kind of bend my fingers a little, but they still hurt like a bitch. they continued hurting for a very long while. 

my fingers didnt fall off; neither did any fingernails. would i do this again? knowing me, probably yes. but i'll have more common sense to repeat my mistakes closer to the hostel and warmth. haha.

failure.

So. i received a rather lengthy fb message(i love those. lengthy messages, that is. back to my point) from someone who shall remain anonymous. my friend shared to me JK Rowling's Harvard Speech and if you haven't read it, do click on the link up there, it's a really good read.

i think i've probably read it once before, but it never really stuck to me. reading it this time around, i guess my circumstances and thinking have changed, so her speech really resonated when i read it just now. i really loved bits and pieces from here and there. 

"...You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown."

i wish someone had sat me down and talked to me about failure back when i was in high school. i tried to do the same to my younger sister when she got her SPM results. i dont think i did a very good job though. i lay part of the blame on the not-so-stellar skype connection. ;p

the thing is, we were taught to excel mostly because we were so afraid of failure. i remember for my very first spelling test (听写) back in primary one, my teacher at that time threatened us with something if we didnt get 100%. it was our very first test so we didnt know if the teacher would really have carried out her threats, but my fear was so great that i made myself sick. i got stomachaches for days before my test and even vomited; my mom got a little concerned. looking back, it's really not all right to let a 7 year old scare herself sick for something so stupid even though she's totally more than prepared for the test. but at the end of that day, i got 100% for my test, and i dont think i vomited for the subsequent tests. but that was it. my constant fear of punishments and failures was what drove me to excel.

i had a minor meltdown at 17 when i got my SPM results when i met my first real brush at failure. Getting an A2 was inconceivable. getting two A2s was the end of my world back then. 

the major meltdown came when i was 19 and finally got my Cambridge A-Levels results. that was my biggest failure at the time. thankfully my parents have always been there for me, and talked me out of repeating A-levels (thank god!)

but i needed that failure. it was time for me to fail in my own eyes. it was time for me to fail in my parents and siblings' eyes.

and i've become a better person after that meltdown. 

i'd never be able to survive in moscow if it werent for that meltdown that changed my priorities and perception of the world. in a country where your test grades depended on the mood of your teacher for that particular day, you have to learn to roll with the punches. unfortunately i think i've learnt to roll with the punches a bit too well. 

my perception of the world is different from the norm, and although i seem quite vocal at times, a majority of my thoughts have been private and would remain so. 

you see someone who's money-minded and "evil"; i see someone who's fighting to leave his past behind.

you see someone funny and is great at speaking; i see him for the douchebag he is.

you see someone cold and ruthless; i see someone who knows what they want and are willing to fight for it. 

i see the bad boy just looking to have fun. i see the girls who just wont admit that they're sluts. i see the mature and realistic people who knows what the real world is like. 

but i also see my flaws and faults. some of them anyway. and i try to be more forgiving, i try to understand that my perception of the world is not within the confines of "safe malaysian society".