integrity.

So recently I was stuck in a pretty bad head space, and everything came to a head today. I felt like crap, I had terrible thoughts and nearing the end of the day, I was given an option.

I could take the easy way out and run from my problems by getting a third party to solve them for me, or I could buck up and get my shit together.

I know I've been disappointing my parents a lot lately. And my situation/living condition had gotten to a point where I didn't care about anything anymore. My younger self would be so disappointed in current me. Heck, current me is disgusted by current me.

But my mom had a very good and proper upbringing. She does the right thing not because she's afraid of getting caught, but because it's the right thing to do. No one else might ever find out what you did but you will know what you did. And can you live with that? When you die, do you have a clear conscience?

Everyone has flaws, but she is such a good person. A decent human being, if you will. Unlike me. I am a shit human being. The shittiest of shits. But I digress.

My mom is the kind of person who will help guide you, over and over again, so you won't make mistakes you'd regret for the rest of your life. But at the same time, she believes that if you mess up, you deserve to face the consequences.

She has had(?) such faith and something inside me snapped or clicked or the stars aligned or whatever.

Her integrity inspires me. Her beliefs ground me. Her principles give me the strength to pick myself up and get my shit together.

I'm getting back on track. The journey will suck and there will be times I just want to give up, but I'll get there. I promise. I'm choosing the harder road because you make me want to be a better person. 

I never say this enough, and I'm terrible with communicating, but thanks mom. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being you.  :') <-look! real tears that you never got to see!

i can't even

Honestly.

I’m not high maintenance. I’m not demanding. I’m not a pathetic damsel in distress or a shit human being that needs rescuing or molly coddling.

I’m self-reliant and my basic needs stick to the bare necessities. (Okay, I can be high maintenance sometimes but I can tone things down and survive on the bare basics if need be.)

I’m more than happy if you leave me alone. Honestly, if you didn’t want me to turn into such a shit piece of antisocial, selfish human being, maybe you shouldn’t have bloody banished me to Mother Effing Russia all those years ago, All By Myself.

People change over time, and I’ve gotten comfortable in my own prickly skin. My DGAF attitude is bloody liberating. Maybe you should try it yourself sometimes. Because honestly, think about it. Why are you bending over backwards to please an asshole that doesn’t even show gratitude?

I do your stupid chores, stick to your stupid rules, put up with your stupid quirks. I don’t expect anything in return, but surely a few hours a day to myself isn’t too much to ask?

I watch 20odd episodes of tv shows a week in Moscow. (Yes, the Internet has spoiled me; No, it’s not as bad as it sounds because it’s spread across 6 days and some are half-hour episodes). Anyway, I come back and deal with the disappointing state of Astro and end up with 3hours of tv a week. 3 hours a week. Apparently that is asking too much. 

I would like to watch my shows in peace, which boils down to no interruption during my 1-hour of TV time whenever it crops up. I give everyone plenty warning when my show is on. There is no pause button on Astro. And yes, every stupid question you ask me brings me back to this reality instead of the AU that exists on my show. American (& British) dramas make sense. (Most of the time anyway.) You don’t have too many WTF moments where logic fails to exist. The dialogues are normally one of the best parts of the show. I’d like to pay attention to the actor’s acting skills. Their nuances and expression; the supporting storyline; the character development; the wardrobe and makeup. So many things can happen with just one look. So yes, it annoys the hell out of me when you disturb me or ask inane questions. I enjoy quality TV, which might seem weird to you since all you watch is crap K dramas with terrible acting and clichéd plots. Your dialogues are reduced to subtitles. You don’t mind missing an episode or two because you’ll still know what’s going on in the drama. People on my show die or get blackmailed into doing shit. Basically if I have to miss an episode, I'd rather not watch the rest of the season until I can catch up properly. 

I care about my shows and the characters. I know it’s hard for you to understand because you’ve gotten used to crap, but I have standards and I actually invest in my shows. So please, leave me the hell alone for the duration of an episode. Do you really need me to print something for you right now? Do you really need me to make you a cup of coffee at this time? Am I really the only one who can whip up a late supper for you?

Another thing I’ve gotten used to doing in Moscow is writing. I doodle on pieces of paper; I type away on my laptop. It’s hard enough to find the time to write, harder still to get into the correct mood. If you ask what I’m doing and my reply is “writing” or “my things”, bloody well leave it at that. Because no matter how many times you ask me what I’m writing, my answer will always be “just writing la!”

And for goodness sake, do not fucking read over my shoulder as I type. Yes, I can feel that. It’s creepy and a rude violation of my privacy. Reading something out loud will most definitely end with me glaring daggers at you hoping for you to drop dead and die because seriously, what kind of shitty human being even does that?! 

It's bad enough I can't unwind or de-stress in peace. Honestly, I love each and every one of you, but I need me-time to recharge. The human interaction here is 24/7 and I really need a break from human beings in general. Can we just pretend that I don't exist for a day or two? 

Honestly. I'm getting wound tighter each day and you take away my coping mechanisms. This is a shit show waiting to implode.